There’s Nothing Like Starting Over

There is nothing like trying forget someone you’ve spent almost every day for eleven months with. And now it’s been two weeks without him. Except, is it really? I see him every day at work. And this is why you should not date your coworker.

I’ve never been one to post tons of statuses, tweets, or photos of my boyfriend–probably because he was my first serious one–because I am afraid of the fall out. It always happens. I mean, it has always been with friendships, but I knew it would be that way with boyfriends, too. I am terrified of the future because it is so uncertain, so unpredictable. I don’t want to post anything saying “I love you” or anything with the word “forever” unless I’m sure. And who knows if that will ever happen.

But I did love him. I loved everything that he was, even the things that annoyed me. Because they were utterly him. I loved that he wanted to be with me every day, even when he had a long day at work or school. I loved that he broke my eardrums with “screamo” music. I loved that he made me watch NASCAR every weekend. I loved that he loved me even though…even though nothing. I’ve never been loved like that before.

This is my first real heartbreak, and not going to lie, it freaking sucks. Most girls get to ignore their ex-boyfriends and bash them and cry and eat ice cream. I did none of the above. I went to CityWalk with my sister and friend and bought new shoes. A little retail therapy, I guess you could say. But the entire time, I felt like throwing up–I didn’t eat for almost twenty-four hours, it was so bad. I couldn’t even find the heart to cry. It wasn’t until a few days ago that all my emotions exploded out of me. I haven’t cried that hard in a long time.

Is it petty for me to dwell on this stuff? To be constantly thinking about him–or boys in general for that matter? As a teenage girl, I think it is perfectly fine. Boy drama is an essential part of a girl’s life. Or girl drama, if you’re into that. No judgments.

And honestly, I spent a year or my life falling in love with this boy. I see him every day, even now. How am I not supposed to think about him?

While I do have bigger issues in life–like how on earth I am going to pay for college and what I am going to do with my future–I can’t help but have things like this on my mind. Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching way too much Gossip Girl. I can’t help that teen dramas are my weakness. I must get back to Breaking Bad immediately!

Nevertheless, these much larger dilemmas I am facing will take precedent. I cannot keep wishing I can just hold his hand or feel his arm around me one more time. At least he doesn’t hate me. I couldn’t handle that. I suppose I can listen to punk rock to get me through it.

And now that I am getting to a very messed up, crazy part of Gossip Girl (Season 4, Episode 9 to be exact), I’ve decided that life is going to get really wild no matter how I live and who I am. I cannot let anyone tear me down. Also, I’ve decided to just take a lesson from the Blair Waldorf handbook and make sure I focus on myself before I become too attached to someone else. And, in all honesty, I do believe that if two people are meant to be, they will find their way back to each other. And whether or not this boy is “the one” is something I’m going to have to figure out along the way.

Wish me luck! -A

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