These [Five] Words

After the day I had yesterday, I am so thankful that I had work today. I am feeling much calmer than before; I can actually breathe evenly. The kids at work were also much better behaved than on Tuesday. I was told that they didn’t have movie time yesterday so that was probably why. And today we had snow cones and a water slide, which we threaten to take away is the kids disobey. Incentives are everything.I suppose that’s where I am going with this.

The fourth rule of economics is: People are motivated by incentives. I couldn’t agree with this more. Some people want to be wealthy in the future; this will motivate them to go to college and get a great job. The chance to see and talk to a cute boy before class will prompt a girl to wake up earlier to get ready and get to school. While the second example is is much more…childish than the first, the concept behind both is the same.

My incentive of keeping this blog and being excited to write for it every day even though few people have read it so far, is that I love to write and I dream of having a career in writing. Because I want that job, I am motivated to write every day. However, I should probably be finishing the novel I am working on, but I seem to be in a creative block. I do not have an idea as an incentive to write it right now.

Another example is my incentive for going to work. I do not want to be around my mother throughout the day, so I go to a gymnastics gym where the air conditioning is questionable and the children can be compared to brick walls.

Why on earth am I talking about incentives right now? Why am I even thinking about some concept I learned in school? I suppose it’s because I’m trying to think of why I’ve been doing certain things.

Why did I break up with someone I love? Why haven’t I just asked for help with my depression? Why do I suddenly think it’s okay to skip meals? Why do I give great boy advice to others when I never have the opportunity to take it? I love him. I know I am not okay with living like this. I am hungry. I like helping people with their problems.

What am I doing with my life? What is so interesting about me?

I need to believe that I have reasons for doing everything that I am doing. I want to be better and happy, but I do not want to have to go to therapy to take meds. That’s not living for me. And there has to be a reason that I want to lose more weight other than the fact my mother didn’t notice when I lost ten pounds like she wanted. I know how deadly eating disorders can be, especially because of what my now ex-boyfriend’s sister is going through. I can see how hard it is, and I don’t want that. But I would also hate myself if I gained the “freshman fifteen” this year.

I’ve been giving my best friend a lot of guy advice the last few days. She kind of likes this one guy she met on our freshman Facebook page. They text and talk a lot, but they’ve never met in person, which may be worrisome, but he seems like a good guy. There are two other guys she’s met, one through Facebook and the other from orientation. Both are obviously into her but she doesn’t want to commit to anything until she meets the first guy. I told her she needs to be straightforward with them so that she doesn’t lead them on. She also needs to figure out what she wants because she says she doesn’t know. Honestly though, these guys barely know her so they need to put the brakes on this a little bit. At least wait until school starts to pursue anything. I know what needs to be done before this whole thing can get out of hand, but do I have anything close to an issue like this? No sir-ee. I’m not saying that I want to be stuck in this weird love…square that is going on, but I’d like to have at least a little boy drama in my life. Not necessarily now–because I just got out of a long-term relationship and there is no way I am ready to be in a new one–but nothing close to this has ever happened to me.  I’m still surprised my ex fell in love with me.

Here’s another question that ties this back into my theme: What is the incentive that these boys have for pursuing a crush on a girl they barely know? I am not saying that they can’t flirt or anything, but they shouldn’t be so ready to get into something.

I don’t know. That’s just my opinion. Truthfully though, I do wonder about people’s incentives. It causes me to go off on tangents like that. I question the reasoning behind so many things and then I over-analyze it.

It is a quality I don’t hate because at least I am not going through life blind. I still have some stuff to figure out, obviously, but I’m not going to give up. I truly believe that there is a reason for everything, and I am going to find out what that is. And if I don’t find something good enough, I will change my habits until it makes sense. I will be happy. And that is my incentive to keep moving forward.

Until next time… -A

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