Friend Like Me

Countless people die every day, for reasons I can only imagine. You hear about barely any of them. People complain about how “common” individuals don’t get any recognition when they die, but celebrities get all the attention in the world. Remember Michael Jackson? Or others like Brittany Murphy, Heath Leadger, Cory Monteith, and Paul Walker? All of these impacted people–especially the media world–in a major way.

Well, on August 11, 2014, one death in particular rocked the media–and myself, actually. Rest in Peace, Robin Williams, comedy genius, my childhood hero.

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This man suffered from depression and committed suicide. Can you believe it? How could someone who has brought such joy and laughter into the lives of millions of people, take their own life?

It makes me think about how precious life is. How much life means. I think of how terrible I feel and have felt in the last eight years. How many times have I thought that my life was meaningless? How often have I believed I was worthless to everyone around me? But when have I ever physically hurt myself? The answer is never.

I suppose you could say that my…lack of calorie intake does physically hurt me, but my reasoning is different. I was never able to cut or do anything like that. Because I never did those things, does that mean I was (or am) really depressed? Nope. It just means that I am not the same as those people, which, in my opinion, ended up being a good thing.

Robin Williams was a source of happiness for so many people. How many movies did he star in that changed people’s lives? Too many to count. I can honestly say that Mrs. Doubtfire and Hook changed my life; I learned so much from those movies.

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The thing about Robin Williams is that he was never afraid to be himself; making a fool of himself was the reason he touched people’s hearts. I wonder what changed in him, why he suffered from depression, why he lost his “spark of madness.”

The fact that someone who appeared so joyous and happy all the time could feel so much pain, baffles me. But then again, if anyone I knew read my story they could probably think the same thing. [Message me on any of my social networks if you would like the password.] I may not have had the same level of apparent happiness, but I feel as though I can relate to the situation. I am still shocked by it all, though. I keep asking “why?” and “how?”. It doesn’t make sense.

Life really is short.

I dreamed of meeting Robin Williams, and if I am being honest, I probably still will. There are plenty of questions I would like to ask him, among other deceased people that I admire. There are dots in life I want to connect, and their answers could do that for me.

Suicide is not selfish, even though it may seem that way. It results from a feeling I cannot describe in words. In his heart, he did not desire to live anymore, and despite what the world thought of him, he couldn’t change his mind. Sometimes, the outside factors are not enough.

Life is fleeting, and it is events like this that remind me that I have to be strong, for no one else but myself. At the end of the day, I am the one making decisions about my life. My mother can nag at me all she wants and yell at me and drive me to move out of my house, but it is me who does the things she asks. It is me who lets her get to me. It is me who allows her to get under my skin. I have the power to live.

Williams believed that taking his life was the answer to his problems, and that is okay. I mean, it’s not. I 100% do not condone suicide. I just know it is not the answer to mine. I am not saying committing suicide is an option; for me, it is a last, last, last resort I hope I never come to. I still have life I want to live.

Sadly, not every feels the same way I do, and it is disappointing. I pray every day that those people find at least one reason to live, one reason to keep moving forward.

My heart and my prayers go out to Robin Williams’ family and friends for their terrible loss, and also to those struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. I believe in you. And if anyone ever needs someone to listen or someone to talk to, I am here. I cannot stress that enough.

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Genie, you’re free… -A

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