Lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking, if you couldn’t tell. There has been a lot on my mind, and that is one of the reasons I write in this blog so much. A few things in particular have plagued my my thoughts; it has come to my attention that I feel too distant from God. It is a topic I have wanted to talk about, to think about, to do something about.
After Robin Williams’ death and learning about two more deaths of grandparents of people close to me, I came to the conclusion that I need to get back in touch with my faith. I pray every day, even if I do not realize it, but do I know exactly what I am praying for?
I have drifted so much from God and my faith since leaving my small Catholic elementary and middle school. I rarely go to church anymore, and I know that once I leave for college, I probably will go even less.
With my feelings of depression and through the loss of my desire to live, my faith drowned along with my happiness. Now that I am trying to turn over this new leaf–for real–I want to get back in touch with God and His teachings. To do this, I have decided to read the entire bible. Crazy, right? But I do not just want to read it, I plan on taking notes and underlining and really understanding what I am reading. Maybe I will highlight, but that is so permanent and I am so indecisive about those things. Annotating in pencil is what I live for.
Turning nineteen (TOMORROW!), I want to be a new person. A better person. Now that I am out of high school and going off into the world as a college student, I am going to need that faith to back me up, to help me get along. I believe that reminding myself why I chose the Catholic Church will help me get through these difficult times ahead.
I mean, I was born into this faith, I was baptized, I took a religion class for nine years, but I went through the Sacrament of Confirmation. I was not forced into that (completely). If I really wanted to get away from Catholicism, I would have refused to take the two years of classes and go on the retreats.
I have been through so many rough patches in my life. Sinking into those dark places made me question my faith on a daily basis. Why would God make me go through such pain? I still do not know the answer. And although I still question it and His plan, I know that I have learned a lot in the past eight years. He has a plan, and I truly believe that. No matter how frustrated I get with life and how many times those awful thoughts break their way into my mind, I need to have faith, and I know that now.
I realize that I do not remember quite a few of the lessons I learned in my religion classes, and those were, well, elementary. Fundamental. That was one thing I missed out on by not going to a religious high school: a deeper connection and understanding to God. If I had one regret about going to public high school, it is that.
I am not one to be open about my faith and talk about my religion, mostly because I am very tolerant of other religions. I do not have plans to convert anyone or anything like that; believe what you want to believe. What I care about is my relationship with God, and how I want to be closer to Him. I do not think that only reading the bible will fix this, but it is a start. Understanding the scriptures and passages will help me get through dark times in my life, I know. The next time I slip into that Dark Place–if I ever do, that is–I refuse to let myself think my life has no worth, to think that He has no plan for me.
I whole-heartedly believe that there is a plan. I mean, I believe in spontaneity and “making my own future,” but I know there is a reasoning behind everything. Nothing is set in stone, but maybe that is His plan, for me to change my mind and whatnot. I don’t know. I am still trying to figure it all out. Reading and relating to the bible will help me with that, I know.
My faith is extremely important to me and vital to how I want to live my life. Mending my relationship with God is the first step to figuring my life out. I need His guidance, and that is what I plan on getting.
I’d love to hear about anyone else’s feelings on the matter! And any help or advice would be accepted and appreciated.