Girl Afraid

Countdown to move-in day: 20 days!

The time left has finally gone to less than three weeks. Can you believe it’s taking this long? I certainly can’t. I even went shopping for more apartment things yesterday. So much is marked off my checklist now! Pretty much all that is left is kitchen supplies. We have things like measuring cups, dishes, and a coffee maker already purchased, but there is plenty left to get. I just want to buy everything already, but I can’t because there are three other people living with me and I shouldn’t be responsible for all of it.

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Now all that’s left is to pack my clothes. That is one project that I will procrastinate on. I am a terrible packer, and I’ll leave it at that.

Now, as much as I like these girls I’m going to live with, and as excited as I am for this big transition, I do have some reservations.

First of all, I do not drink alcohol now and I do not plan to until I am twenty-one. The two girls I have yet to meet that I am sharing the apartment with do drink, but mostly just socially. One of them told us excitedly yesterday that she had gotten shot glasses. Natalie texted me outside of the group, saying “I know what I’m going to drink my apple juice out of!” I couldn’t help but agree.

If alcohol is found in the common area of our room, we all take the fall for it, but if it is in the personal space, then only that person would get in trouble. I do not want to keep it in the common area, but I am a little nervous that they will just tell me to not worry, that we won’t get caught. Well, I am a worrier, and I always have been. I do not feel comfortable having alcohol in the fridge we all share. However, my roommates seem pretty laid back, so it might not be a problem. I guess we will just see.

Secondly, I have just started worrying about is the money I’m going to spend on food. My meal plan consists of 8 meals per week and 275 “plus dollars” per quarter. I can definitely get away with going out for one meal a week. For the most part, I won’t be up before noon, so my breakfast and lunch will be a combo meal. The “plus dollars” can be used at other meal places, but I think I just want to use it to buy groceries. Natalie and I plan on making mac and cheese more often than not, so I’m hoping that’ll be enough.

The food isn’t my only worry, though. It’s soap and bathroom supplies, and kitchen supplies, and all that. How often will I need to buy new soap? Considering I wash my hands compulsively, I think it’d be rather frequently. I’m so worried at how this is going to go. I need a job, and I’ve been on the lookout for openings. I would like to work on campus, but I might just have to get one downtown. A family friend has let me know that she will be a reference if I wanted to work at the Bath and Body, as she is in a position of authority at the location in Northridge. Plus, that job will also get me discounts at Victoria’s Secret, and I adore that store–bras and underwear galore!

My third worry is regarding academics. I seem to have very easy classes for the first quarter, and I am grateful for that. But will they be easy? I don’t know. Then when I start taking major classes next quarter, how will I do in them? To be honest, I was not very skilled in writing essays for school came junior and senior year. I mean, I can come up with a story and go with it for page upon page, chapter upon chapter, but a compare and contrast essay about A Clockwork Orange, Brave New World, and 1984? I can get a B at best. How can I be a successful writer if my essays aren’t A worthy? It makes me less confident in my ability to write creatively.

Despite this fear, I won’t stop trying to improve. It just means I’ll have to try even harder when I write my papers. I’m not going to let this get in the way of my dreams, and that’s a promise.

I have plenty of reservations about moving away and being on my own. I’m afraid of the parties and the drinking that will surround me. I am scared of being judged; I always have been. I know that being myself is the best option, and I think I did pretty well with that at orientation. I know there are people that will like me for who I really am. Maybe one day I will share my story with someone. I won’t be afraid of it, I won’t let it define me or affect me. Maybe I can heal.

And I’m not just worried about paying for food, but I’m afraid of eating it, too. The freshman fifteen terrifies me. What am I going to do once all that food is there to tempt me? And what if I don’t want to eat a meal a day and my whole meal plan goes to waste? I couldn’t do that to my parents, who are putting their hard-earned money into my education. I wonder what might happen to me.

Despite all these things, I am praying to God that he will give me the strength I need to get through it. His guidance will help me make the right decisions, and to not let fears or the Dark Place get the better of me.

strength-4x6This will definitely be a journey and learning experience that I can’t wait to embrace. There will be struggles, and I am afraid of them, but I know I can make it through them will help from the Lord. I can and I will be successful, and I have to believe that that is the plan for me.

Maybe I should start packing now…or I can continue watching American Ninja Warrior. Decisions, decisions. Tonight my brother plays his championship game for baseball, so wish him luck! I will be there in the stands to support him.

I hope y’all have a wonderful Tuesday! 🙂 -A

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