After everything I was thinking of yesterday, I just have a short post for you. It’s not all unhappy or angry or all happy or anything. It’s just a mush of a couple of things that have been on my mind from last night. Beware: I went through a roller coaster of emotions yesterday.
I told you about my fears. Then I went to Burger King for lunch with my mom, sister, and sister’s friends. The chicken fries are back, and they used to be my favorite thing ever. I said I’d eat one, maybe two. I ate six. And I hated myself the whole time. Hated myself.
Then Gracie came over, and boy did I miss that girl. She hates her school (from what I’ve heard I don’ blame her), and I feel really bad about that. I let her rant about it quite a bit throughout the evening, but I didn’t mind. I like hearing about people’s feelings and emotions, especially rants. I loved seeing her because it brings out life in me that I thought I didn’t have anymore. I wasn’t planning on eating dinner that night because if my unholy lunch, but I caved an got a grilled cheese at Panera Bread. I still hate myself for it. But tomorrow is a new day.
To be honest, I feel like I’d be okay with eating if I was eating all healthy food. I still wouldn’t eat all that much, but I don’t think I’d hate myself so much.
We saw If I Stay, and let me tell you something: even if you read the book, the movie gives you so much more emotion. I bawled throughout the entire thing and probably harder when the credits started to roll. I felt that movie on too real of a level. Mia wants to go to Juilliard, but Adam and her life are in Oregon. She and Adam fight about it over and over and the whole time, all I could think of was how my relationship was. Even reading the book, I related to Mia one such a personal level.
I’m glad I didn’t read the book while I was still in my relationship because it would’ve given me the wrong expectation of what my boyfriend would do. I mean, look where we are now. I didn’t get to be emotional about the break-up, I just had to smile it off because we worked together. I never got to really cry everything out. Watching the movie and crying about it helped. It brought out the tears I so desperately needed to release. I don’t know if I feel better about any of it, but I do feel somewhat relieved about it. It’s just that everything still reminds me of him, and I don’t like it.
One day I will be able to drive somewhere, listen to a song, watch a TV show without thinking about him. That day is not today.
One a different note: I FREAKING LOVE JAMIE BLACKLEY ❤ aka Adam in the movie. Like, seriously, he is so perfect I can’t stand it. He’s my new wallpaper and everything.
After the initial emotion the movie gave me and the crazy fangirl session Gracie and I had afterwards, we did was any girl in our trio would do. We made a vine. You can check it out here.
So that’s where I’m at right now.
Today, I am helping my grandpa pack in all his things and move, and tomorrow we will help him move into his new place in Palm Springs. I get to take some of his pots and pans for my apartment!
Today, I am feeling better about myself. Still hate eating, but my breakfast of Cheerios “Protein” isn’t making me completely despise myself.
Today is a new day, and I will try to make the best of it. Because that’s the other thing If I Stay taught me: it could all be gone in an instant. I need to enjoy this life I was given. I may be making terrible decisions right now, but…well, there is no but at the moment. But I will repeat myself: today is a new day.
Remind me to tell you guys about why my grandpa is moving 😉 -A