Just a Dream

They say that when you dream about someone, it means that they are thinking about you. Usually that is a great thing; if you dream about your crush, they were thinking about you. Who doesn’t want that? But the last few days–along with others throughout the last two months–there has been one person in my dreams that I want to forget about. Yes, I’m bringing him up again: my ex-boyfriend. But it’s only because I can’t stop thinking about him; for one thing, he is in my dreams almost every night. This needs to stop.

In every single dream he’s in, we are either still together or we are about to get back together. We apologize to each other and everything is okay. He loves me again. I hate it.

I hate that I’m dreaming about him. I hate that I allow myself to wake up and be upset because it’s not real. I hate that I want it to be real. These dreams are allowing me to miss him and I need to forget about him. I can’t get over him if I keep thinking about him. Especially because I know he doesn’t care.

I should hate him. He tweeted “SINGLEEE” the evening we broke up. He trash-talked me at a party. He told the kids at work that he loved me. I’m supposed to hate him.

But what does it mean that I keep thinking about him? I know I’m not over him. I know it’s over and everything, but I still miss him. I miss us. And I’m not ready to fall in love again. But if that theory is true, if I’m dreaming of him because he’s thinking about me, then I want him to stop. I need to get over him, but I can’t do that if I see him every night. But then again, if he’s thinking of me, does that mean he’s not over me either? Does it mean there is a chance he still loves me? He can’t, though. We broke up for a reason.

Dreams are supposed to be my safe place, but they’re not anymore. My mind is a sacred place for my thoughts only. I mean, it can be a pretty dark place full of hate and loathing, but it’s my place. He’s not allowed to be there anymore.

Dreaming about him leads me to thinking about our memories and all the things we did together, all the things that were ours. I need to stop thinking about all of it, but my dreams are making that damn-near impossible. It is necessary that I forget about him, but I can’t.

It freaking sucks.

Let’s just say that that theory is accurate. I want him to stop thinking about me. As much as it hurts to say, it needs to happen because then I can forget about him. Him thinking about me is keeping me on his hook and that is somewhere I do not want to be. I think about other guys, of course; there are some pretty cute ones going to SLO, but I am also thinking of him. And I will repeat it again: I want it to stop.

I dream about him, about us, and then I wake up and it’s not real. It genuinely upsets me when I realize it. I don’t like that, but it happens.

The worst part is: he was my first love. He will always mean something to me, no matter what. I won’t love anyone the way I loved him, because he was the first person to bring those feelings out of me. But I am just going to be another girl to him. One day, he will hear my name, and I am just going to be some girl he dated. It won’t matter that he loved me. I don’t think I made a big enough impact on his life for him to care. That might just be me thinking very low of myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe it.

I wish I knew for sure, that if I was dreaming about him because he was thinking of me. But I don’t, so I just have to go off of theories and ideas. I wish I could hate him, too. It would make things easier. But honestly, when has my life ever been easy?

I think that leaving is going to help me. I will be around new people, new boys that aren’t him. I can have the chance to fall in love again. I didn’t get closure from this relationship, and that’s what has hurt me, but maybe moving out will help me move on. That’s what needs to happen. Well, that and these dreams need to stop.

He seems to be fine without me, but then again, I seem pretty fine without him. I don’t know. I guess I’ll just knit away my troubles for now.

Photo on 9-4-14 at 12.26 AMThank for letting me rant! Seriously, I appreciate it. -A

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