Listen to your Heart

Happy hump day, lovelies! *insert camel emoji here*

So I’ve been mulling over something the last couple of days, and I need some help. It started when I saw some song lyrics about scars (from cutting I’m assuming) and it got me thinking. I never cut myself, which I see as a very good thing, but I thought a lot about it. The idea of cutting constantly consumed my mind. I was also afraid of it and what it would mean. I see that fear as I good thing, as well.

But seeing these lyrics caught my attention in that I hadn’t written a song–or even a lyric–in way too long. The words inspired me to try again. I thought of you guys, and how I basically tell you everything, even things my closest friends don’t know. There is something strangely comforting in that, though. And it cause a line and a melody to form in my head. Look how easy it is to confess my sins to strangers.

Because it is. I barely thought twice about telling you guys everything I was feeling: my attitude towards people, my bad thoughts, etc. Of course, my story is password protected, but I will give the password if you ask for it. The things in there…nobody knows them; I don’t even say them out loud. And that is a scary thought, but the thing about it is: I want people to know. And now that I am in this new place, am I willing to let people see that side of me?

Which brings me to the main point of this post: should I tell people about this blog?

Of course, lots of people know I write one; I tweet and talk about it a lot; however, I never give away what exactly its about, the URL, the title, or any of that. I am afraid that my friends will hate me or see something wrong with me. Or worse, try to fix me. I know there is still so much of myself I have to work on, but I am doing so well here. What if those people finding out puts me back? I don’t think I can risk that. So I did what every person would do (please, sense the sarcasm) and I made a “Pros and Cons” list.

  • PRO: more readers! The more people that know about this blog, the more reads I will have. Not that this is about that, though, I just think it’s important to feel like you are not alone. I see a lot of recovery blogs for eating disorders, but none really about what it’s like struggling with one and what to do, if that makes sense. I also want to be a writer and this kind of gets my name out there.
  • CON: the fact that I think I have a bit of an eating disorder in the first place and I talk about it. I don’t know what I would do if anyone of my friends found out what I think about myself. I know they’d say that I don’t have to feel this way, that I am beautiful, that I am skinny, yadda yadda yadda. But I don’t want to hear that. It won’t change anything, to be honest. And my parents might find out and want to get me help, which I do not want either, especially since I am doing so much better here.
  • PRO:I wouldn’t have to get all secretive if people start asking about this blog. I can tell them what it’s called, certain things I post, etc.
  • CON: I’m not so sure I want some of the people in my life knowing all my secrets.
  • PRO: Honestly, they might not even read it.
  • CON: They actually might.
  • PRO: I would love to be open about who I was and who I am becoming through all of this. This is a part of who I am now, and it is really important to me.
  • CON: I would hate it if my ex decided to read it and found out what I was thinking about when I was supposed to hate him. Or see the posts about eating disorders and remember everything that happened with his sister.
  • PRO: I don’t really care about him anymore and I don’t expect to ever see him again, so does it really matter if he sees those things?
  • CON: What if my family saw everything…

I’m still not quite sure what to do about all of this, though. It may be a while until I actually make a decision. I mean, there is absolutely no guarantee that anyone I know will read my blog, but I know a couple of people who are very curious about it. Hmmmm…decisions, decisions.

But that not only goes for this internal argument, but also what I am going to wear for rush! It starts tomorrow with House Tours. I’m so excited! But I’m also nervous. There are a lot of questions I have: what if they don’t like me? What if I don’t like them? How will I know if a house is right for me? Everything is so unsure at the moment, but I guess that’s how it is supposed to be right now in my life.

I’m trying to look on the bright side, and that’s something I haven’t really done in a long time. I’m so happy.

Have a fantastic day, everyone! I must go finish getting ready for my class. Maybe I will sit next to that cute guy again. You never know.

-A

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