I’m feeling very stuck today. I’m not sure why. I’ve only left my apartment to go down to the Community Center to study. I only lasted about fifteen minutes, to be honest. I woke up at 6 in the morning because I felt awful. I’m sick and can barely speak, which is why that happened. It’s also been really hot here the last couple of days and I do not like it one bit. Our thermostat says we have air conditioning, but it’s just a fan and it does absolutely nothing. And the walls of these buildings trap in heat, so I can’t get away from it. It is definitely not helping my sickness.
Since I’ve been in my apartment all day, this means I have been eating quite a bit. Too much if you ask me. A year ago, it wouldn’t have mattered, but now I feel sick to my stomach. Honestly, it’s mostly just because what I ate wasn’t too healthy and my body isn’t used to that anymore. And I’m sick. I don’t want to say that my Bad Thoughts about eating are coming back, because I’m not so sure that they are, but I most definitely feel gross. That also could be from the heat.
My mind has been everywhere but my reading. It’s not that I have a lot, it’s that I just don’t want to read about any of it. I just want it to be cooler. The last thing I want to do is my homework. And I’m not always a huge fan of my health class because of some of the things that are a part of “healthy living.” For example, my teacher (based on someone’s suggestion) said that keeping a food journal is a good way to lose weight. I highly disagree with that because I know where that leads. And as a person recovering from that place, I was a bit turned off to the class. I don’t know…I just wasn’t a fan of that being considered healthy.
And now I’m just complaining. Gosh I’m in such a weird mood today. I know a part of it is me being me, but I definitely am blaming some of it on the heat. It is October in central California and this is not okay.
But despite me being whiney and weird today, I did get to witness a beautiful sunset. It reminded me that despite everything I’ve been feeling today and the last couple of days and maybe even tomorrow, I am thankful to be alive. And yes, I know how absolutely cheesy that sounds. I am very lucky right now because of everything I have. I am incredibly–yes I’ll say it–blessed. Sometimes I need a little reminder of that.
And please bare with me and the random, weird posts. Soon, I will be normal. Hopefully when it gets a little cooler and I’ve gotten enough sleep. Enjoy the sunsets, too. I’m glad I got to see this one.