I’m still struggling with something to say…I just keep wanting to express to you all how happy I am here. I truly am ecstatic living here. I love this school and all the wonderful people I’ve met. I adore the sisters I meet every day and the conversations I have with them. I love the fact that I can grab a Starbucks so easily after class because caffeine is a must-have these days. I get so much enjoyment out of meeting my neighbors and hanging out with the people on my floor and in my building. I honestly haven’t been feeling anything other than exhaustion and happiness. I wish I had more than that.
I feel like I have such an eclectic and inconsistent group of readers, too, so it’s hard to come up with a post to please everyone. That’s all I want: to please everyone. I consider that both a strength and a weakness.
But then I feel like nothing I say is ever interesting enough to read about. Writing is what I love, I just don’t know if I’m good at anything but creative writing. Everyone I’ve talked to about it says they think it is the coolest thing that I love to write and that I’m passionate about it and that they wish they could do that. Honestly, it kind of makes me feel awesome. I’m not saying I’m super talented, but these people believe in me–even though they’ve never read anything of mine.
I had a meeting today with the New Member Educator of my sorority, Anna. She is really cool. I told her about my blog and she thought I should tell people about it, and I’m starting to think that it’s a good idea. I know I weighed the pros and cons in an earlier post, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I think it could be a really good idea; I’m a new person and these people deserve to know me, to really know me. None of these people (except for Natalie, of course) knew me before I came here and this is my chance to be honest. It started with being honest with myself, which was very difficult. I’m not saying I want everyone to know about the bad things I’ve thought about myself and whatnot, but I am more than that. Yes, I still think about those things; I probably always will. If these people really want to know me, I can’t hide everything the way I did before; I need to be open about things.
That might just be the hardest part about all of it: being open. I’ve always been the person that hates crying in front of people and who hates showing anything other than strength. I hate looking weak because I always felt like I was. Weak, I mean. I never wanted people to know how much I was hurting inside.
But now…now I want people to know. I don’t want to be cryptic about why I am afraid of the Freshman 15 or why I disagree with my teacher about keeping a food journal or why this chapter about mental illness is going to make me really uncomfortable. I have grown into a completely different person in a short amount of time and I am damn proud of it.
So maybe I won’t tweet about it or post about it on Facebook, but maybe I will make my tumblr public knowledge. That is a step in that direction. It could be a good step. Of course, I am nervous of what people will think, but I’m putting all this out there on the internet for everyone to see. Anyone with internet access can find this little blog of mine, so why am I so afraid of people I know finding it? It doesn’t make much sense, does it?
So have I come to another conclusion? The answer is yes, I think so.
Because I was hiding the bad things about my past, but that also meant I wasn’t sharing the really fantastic things about my present. I want to share how happy I am with the world and that includes the people I know in real life.
The internet is a weird place. Like, some people are going to read this argument I am having with myself because I put it out there. I am a confident person now–at least, I’m becoming one. I want everyone to see that.
Anyway, or any of the ways, thanks for letting me ramble and rant. I appreciate it. Like, if you read this all the way through, I applaud you and your patience. Now I must get to a roomie dance party that is currently happening in my apartment.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I love you guys dearly. And I will get back to being consistent with my posts. Hopefully no more of them will be posted late like this…..My apologies!