State of Grace

Good morning, people! Even though it is 1:30 pm as I am writing this. I woke up at noon, don’t judge me. I am beyond thankful that I don’t have class today. I will be going to the gym very soon with Natalie and I know that will be fun. Today is also the kick-off for Family Weekend at Cal Poly, so I will get to see my parents and Haley later this afternoon! We are going to dinner and then I am going to a date party, as someone’s date. Yes, that’s right. Someone asked me to be their date to something. Whoopieeeeee! And I finished Gossip Girl the other day. Off to Lost! There is no time to waste!! Luckily, this post is no waste of time to write.

But this week has been a more interesting one in terms of the emotions I’ve been feeling. I am happy all the time, but sometimes, things are hard.

I confessed to my roommates about my depression and eating disorder and it was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I had never told anyone about them out loud (except for my neighbors at the beginning of this post), and it was kind of an awesome feeling. Especially because I was eating a whole plate of nachos covered in rice, chicken, guacamole, sour cream, and of course, cheese at the time. I do feel bad about myself and the way I look sometimes, but I just have to remember to be healthy. That was the reason I went through this in the first place: a desire to be healthier turned into a sick obsession. I am still afraid of the Freshman 15, but I just have to be smart about all of this.

I do also worry that my depression will relapse. Those feelings are still there, I can feel them, but it takes no effort to push them away. I fear that one day it will take effort again. But then again, I could also forget them completely. While I don’t expect that to happen because those feelings will always be a part of me, it is a nice thought. Those Bad Thoughts have transformed me and made me into the person I am today. I wouldn’t trade those experiences because I wouldn’t be me without them. I wouldn’t realize how beautiful life can be.

But look at me now. Look at how optimistic I am about everything. A year ago, if you told me I would be happy like this, I wouldn’t believe you, but now I am loving life. Even when the Bad Thoughts make their way to the front of my mind, I can get past them so easily and look at the positive side of things. I used to never want to see the bright side of anything. I used to not believe there was a bright side to anything. Now, it is all I see.

I now realize how blessed I am with this life, and it is the most wonderful thing in the world.

This week has been full of confessions and thoughts of my past. I do not like it very much, but I am not letting it hold me back. I refuse to let it hold me back. I refuse to be tied down with dangerous thoughts that used to haunt me.

Life is so good once you learn to have dance parties with your roommates and watch South Park with your neighbors and paint pumpkins with your friends and bond over boring lectures with your classmates and get tacos or breakfast burritos in the middle of the night.

I never thought I would love my life again. I never even thought I would make it this far.

DontBeAfraid

You really have to do it yourself, because while you’re waiting for someone else to do it for you, you might miss your own life and happiness. ~ Anne Heydenreich

Now go eat a cookie or go for a run or do your homework. Do something productive! (Yes, eating a cookie is productive). And don’t forget to be happy 🙂

All my love, A ❤

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3 thoughts on “State of Grace

  1. A few months ago, I didn’t think I’d make it this far or be as happy as I am now, but here i am… Life has a funny way if turning out great of one just pulls through the tough times…. Off to get some pancakes 😉

    Like

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