Clouds

I have been doing a very unhealthy amount of daydreaming lately–I mean, if that even exists. I find myself zoning out my professor’s lectures more often than not, and I think it will become a problem very soon. Paying attention in my classes is very important because I know I will be overwhelmed within the next week or so. Actually, let’s be honest, I already am overwhelmed.

Like any teenage girl, my mind has been wandering towards things like boys and relationships, future adventures around the world, and of course, food. I think about all of these things constantly when I should be focusing on school. Or making those thoughts become a reality. Why can’t I do that? Oh yeah, because as much as I would like to say I have changed, I am still super insecure when it comes to certain things. Like boys.

It is hard because I am so different from my roommates in that department. It seems to be so easy for them. They have had multiple guys like them or show interest and I cannot even get one to…you know what? Nevermind, I am not going to go into it. The point is, I am terrible when it comes to boys, no matter what anyone says. (Yes, roomies, I am looking at you).

the-life-i-really-want-to-live-only-exists-in-my-daydreams

In my mind I am confident about everything, and I just wish I could be that way in real life. I wish I could raise my hand in class and give an answer confidently. I would like to be able to flirt successfully. I want to not get nervous and afraid when people read my blog while I am in the room. I have come so far in my recovery, but I still feel like I have gotten nowhere.

Just do it, I tell myself. Yeah, easier said than done. Up until the moment I am about to follow through, I retreat like my life depends on it. I had a great answer to a question in class today, and as soon as my professor called on me, I stuttered and struggled to get my words out. I do not know why, and all I want is to find the answer. I am trying so hard to be better and happier and more confident in myself, but often times, I feel as though I am failing miserably.

I am so cool in my head. I practically radiate self-confidence. I am the poster child for great self esteem. What is stopping me from actually becoming that girl? Focus, Ashley.

Maybe I need to take a word of advice from my English professor and take a step back. Notice what your are noticing, and then notice what you are not noticing. Hm…perhaps I will right my big end-of-the-quarter essay on depression recovery. Or eating disorder recovery. (I seem to be struggling with that a little bit lately, too).

Daydreams are just one of those things…You can imagine anything you want, and pretty much the only thing stopping you is, well, you.

The good thing about my daydreaming is that it is leading me to writing my first song in a really long time. The last time I was able to finish one was last September……Wow, the fact that it has been over a year makes me quite upset. I mean I have tried, but I have been stuck. It mostly on lyrics but it is melodies, too. I feel like I am not me without songwriting, and I think that has contributed to this weirdness I have been feeling. Maybe once I finish the song, I will feel better and more confident, even.

One can hope, right? You know, it might even just be psychological. That may be the solution, but it could also be the problem because I think so low of myself. I wish it was that easy…just saying I am confident will lead to actually having it. Maybe acting like it will help.

I think there might actually even be a study for that. If you pretend to act a certain way, then one day you will find that you are no longer pretending. I think depression has hurt my ability to do such a thing, but I have to try.

The more I daydream, the more I wish I could live out those fantasies. I believe in myself now, though. Well, more than I did before, at least. Look at my positivity! Optimism the key to getting things done. I guess I also have to get my head out of the clouds so I can actually get things done.

……Maybe just a few more minutes, though. My mind can be a wonderful place when I want it to be. Good Thoughts only for now. Well, forever, hopefully. Plus, I have a song to finish!

And it is Friday, so I cannot be anything but happy. There are big things ahead of me, I know it. Thanks for sticking around so far; I know it is not easy to read the jumbled thoughts of a fickle girl. Why do you think it has taken me so long to write my book? My mind is elsewhere. Let your mind take you away today, and see where you go. You might be surprised.

-A

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