There is something I have realized in the last couple of days. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and that varies from food to school to weekend plans to, yes, boys. Recently, I have decided I need to broaden my horizons and be on the lookout for cute boys to talk to. I can’t keep going to line dancing if I have no one to two-step with, let’s be real.
This seems like a petty thing to think about, considering everything else going on the world today. But I am a girl who needs cuddles. My brand new body pillow is helping in that department; I absolutely love that thing. However, I have always been a little boy crazy, and my tastes have only been refined as I grow older.
Bottom line: I am a relationship person, and in college, it very hard to come by a boy who feels the same way. I like being committed to one person, and having that person committed to me, whether that comes in dating, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. I like exclusivity. Again, that is very hard to find in a boy in college.
I have noticed something else, though. I think I might be too much of a “mom” and that scares people. Like, I don’t want to be a mother-like association with a cute guy; that is not going to help me in any way. It would be just weird. But I think the way that I care for people can be intimidating to boys. My roommates tell me I am “wife material,” and I have to agree. I like to cook (mac and cheese counts, right?) and bake. I am not a huge cleaner, but I will if it needs to be done. I also just care a lot about people.
Boys my age do not seem to be into that, though, which just makes me want to go for older guys. The problem with that is that I still look like I am fourteen–an exaggeration, but it is kind of true–and older guys are not into that. Also, the boys my age are still struggling with their maturity. I can’t seem to win, here.
The thing is, I may not have kissed many boys in my life, but I can see the future fast approaching. In an ideal world, I would be married and expecting my first child in the next six-ish years. I am turning twenty this year, and I know the next few birthdays are going to fly by. But what can I do when no one else is at that point in their life?
The “perfect guy” for me doesn’t exist–and that is not me being pessimistic–because I am not even sure who he is. I have all these ideas about the type of person I want to end up with, and it changes. Plus, I would get tired of the “perfect guy” because I need to be able to argue about things. As much as I like being right, I also need to be wrong, or else I will never learn.
When I think about all of this, and then I walk around campus and see some of the most attractive guys I have ever laid eyes on, I can’t help but think I am going to end up alone. I fear never finding love. Does that make me a bad person? I am just afraid that I will never find someone who can accept me for everything that I am (and am not). I worry that no guy will ever be okay that I still sometimes struggle with depression and eating disorders. People say they care and that they will never leave you, but then next thing you know, you are alone.
But then I do not want someone to treat me like I am broken. I am not broken anymore, I am healing. You don’t have to walk on eggshells around me. A lot of people seem to think that they have to treat someone with or recovering from mental disorders like they are fragile. I am fragile, but I am also strong, and the strength grows within me every day.
Because of this–because I am complicated–I am afraid that I can never be loved. Insecurities cause problems in relationships, and I think all mine will be the cause for a lack thereof. I am not really sure what to do about it all. I cannot change myself–I refuse to. Changing will do me no good and could cause even more problems than insecurities.
So what is the solution here?
To be honest, I do not know. But I am actually fairly content with the single life. I could have obligations to a boy right now, but here I am, studying for midterms and fighting the urge to watch Pride and Prejudice. Plus, what boy would watch that movie with me anyway? I suppose I must go on wondering why I repel boys but then am sort of okay with it. The world is a weird place, folks.
Bear with me and my total acts of rambling. I have two midterms today and this helps me. Stay tuned for a Letter to You, a WriteWorld response, and pictures from my Disneyland trip this weekend! Maybe a book review, too, I am still deciding.
PS book spoiler! (ish) Today marks the sixth month-iversary of the main character and love interest of my novel. I just thought I would share. I am almost finished writing it! EEEEP!! 😀