Today I have another “Letter to You” post. This one was going to be about one thing, but then it kind of turned into another. I liked that change of thought; it really shows how my experiences have affected me recently. My train of thought has kind of been all over the place lately, and writing this letter was no different.
I believe that the past has a direct influence on who you are in the present, and because of that you should not forget it. Maybe not dwell on it, but learn from it. Moving on is one thing, but moving forward is another. This letter made me realize what I learned from the person it is directed at. For a very long time, I did not see the situation this way, but I have discovered a positive method of looking at it.
There was once a time when I wondered who was going to miss me when I was gone. And for a really long time, I believed that the answer to that question was no one. But I am not the only one to ever think this.
As I sit here and reluctantly but inevitably think back to that dark time, I can’t help but think back to you. You were the first one to share my love of music and songwriting. You inspired me to be open with my work. I was shy before…you changed that. You were my first real best friend.
Little did I know, you were a lie. You lied and picked fights out of insecurities. Up until now I pitied myself for what you did to me, but I see that I should have felt bad for you. It must have been terrible to have to make up good things about yourself. At least I never lied about who I was. I may not have liked myself, but at least I wasn’t pretending to be someone else.
I’m sorry I let you make me feel worthless after that summer, but I’m not sorry you have to accuse me of leaving a note saying “I hate you”–a note that you wrote yourself. That was a low point, don’t you think? That’s when I knew I deserved better than you.
So as much as I credit you to “ruining my life,” I also have to thank you for helping me realize that I had so much potential. Because of you, I know that I don’t have to settle for people who are not good for me.
You don’t have to worry about me when I die, but I will save a moment of silence for you.
It’s funny how your train of thought can change so drastically so quickly. It is times like this when I like to see where my mind takes me. My brain is a very jumbled place thanks to my midterms last week, and I am trying to sort through it all.
On the bright side, I just wrote the most important part of my book! It was the big reveal, and I could not be more excited. I have worked so hard and put so much effort into this novel. It is crazy to think that I am about to be finished with it. Good thing I have several outlines for the next one!
Stay classy, A 🙂