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I have always been afraid of forever. So many “BFFs” are no longer in my life, boyfriends are something I barely know anything about, and I have always seen my life as short (luckily, I am more optimistic in that department now). People throw that word around like it means nothing. They say forever, but then a few months later they are saying it about someone else. The word “forever” is not one to just say; you have to mean it.

Because of all of the things I have been through, I feel a great deal of uncertainty towards the word.

In recent months, I was starting to trust again, and I thought that maybe forever was possible. It is a wonderful idea. I have always dreamt about it happening with someone–whether it be a boyfriend, a best friend, etc. I thought it would happen in my late-teen years, but here I am, six months to twenty, and I cannot seem to hold onto anything. The guy that has been my best friend since school started will not talk to me; boys allegedly think I am cute, but do nothing about it; I am making really good friends, but I still feel unsure about our relationship. Something is wrong with me, and I have always been convinced of that. I just wish I knew what the heck was going on.

In the wise words of Taylor Swift, So it’s gonna be forever, or it’s gonna go down in flames.” While this is rather extreme, it hold truth. Something is either forever or it is not. There is no in between. It might not go down in flames, but that is not unheard of, by any means.

And not only am I afraid of forever, but I am also afraid of never having a forever. For a long time, my forever was going to last less than two decades. Now, things are different, but it still scares me. I wonder constantly if I will ever find anything to think of as forever. Because even if I fell in love again and believed that that relationship could last forever, and it didn’t, it means I believed in forever. I mean, it would be heartbreaking if it didn’t last forever, but that’s not the point. The fact is: I am afraid of even that.

I think I am afraid of falling in love and finding someone that I care about so much, and having that end. Having that person out of my life forever. Forever is a long time, and it is freaking scary. What the heck is life getting me into??

But I mean, this goes for friendship, too. I used to throw around the acronym BFF because my younger self believed that some people would be my best friends forever. Boy, was I wrong. Finally, after everything, you find a best friend. At first, it is just that, but when you go through long distance and heartbreaks and craziness, you realize that this person is your best friend soulmate. Then one day, you suddenly find out that that person might not be who you once thought. I get that people change, but sometimes it is a different kind of change. Sometimes, you sit in your room and cry because suddenly the one thing you were for sure was going to last forever is falling apart right before your eyes.

Believing something is forever and having it not be is quite possibly my biggest fear. And I do not know how to get over it. I can dream and fantasize about it, but it could never come true. I have such a difficult time believing something like forever could ever happen to me. And that’s not me being dramatic. I will tell you when I am being dramatic.

This blog is the most honest thing about me. It is where I confess the deepest parts of my thoughts. Right now, that is sharing my fears about the future. Thanks for keeping up with my rambles.

-A

PS Happy 100th post on my blog! Eeeep! I am so happy that y’all have stuck around for this long. I can’t believe I am still writing this. It is because I love to write and I love my readers–the relative few that there are. Y’all are the most precious loves of my life. This will mean something to me forever. And that is one thing I am sure of.

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