Sour Times

Today was supposed to be a great day. I was supposed to go to the pool and tan in my new bathing suit. I was supposed to go grocery shopping with my roomies. I was supposed to make myself a great dinner of green beans and an english muffin (Fridays mean no meat!). I was supposed to get on top of studying for finals.

But, no.

While all of those things happened, they did not add up to as great a day as they were supposed to.

I woke up to two of my roommates picking out outfits for St. Fratty’s Day (don’t know what that is? Click here), no big deal. That is, it was not a big deal until I heard something along the lines of, “This is a size three, it is so big!” You are currently reading the blog of a girl who is a size three.

I have been struggling a lot lately with body image, and the last few days were looking up. Hearing those words, and later about their less-than-C-cup bra sizes really made me want to cry. What else, is that they all think they are “getting so fat,” but they are still a size zero. I hate going to the gym all together because they are all skinnier than me, and it makes me very self-conscious. I also hate letting one of my roommates borrow my pants because I know they are way too big on her.

“It’s because you have a butt!” they tell me. That doesn’t help.

It also doesn’t help that boys are all over them all the time, and never near me. Vanessa finally made her relationship with Adam “Facebook Official.” The pictures in the post were either taken by me, or I was in them. No big deal, Vanessa and I are really close, and Adam is one of my best friends. I always joke that I am their third wheel. Adam’s roommate Kyle, who is also a close friend, commented that I should tag myself as the “Official Third Wheel.” It was funny, but it’s also only okay when I say it. It really hurt to hear it from someone else. Especially because I am constantly third, fifth, and seventh wheeling. And I am always the friend, never the girlfriend. It really starts to hurt after a while.

Then I found out that one of my roommates told our other two roommates something, but won’t tell me. That has been happening a lot, lately. A theory is that she thinks I will judge her for whatever it is. I am not sure why everyone thinks I am so judgmental. But telling everyone but me is what is going to make me mad; like, it is going to get back to me somehow, so you might as well just say it to my face. Not telling me when everyone else knows just makes me feel like a piece of shit really crappy. She is making me feel like every other “best friend” I have ever had.

I know I need to confront her about it, but I am never good at that. Nevertheless, I have to do it. I cannot just wallow in sadness and depression again. I refuse to let that happen to me after all I have done and been through.

It just kind of sucks.

I have spoken no more than a few words to this roommate, and now she is gone for the night, not telling us until she left. I should be mad, but I am just upset and worried about her.

But this just all has me wondering how much my life has actually changed, and how I have changed. I keep thinking that I am happy and how much different my life is, but what if I am wrong? What if nothing has really changed?

That might scare me the most…I cannot be stuck in this broken record life anymore. I have tried so hard to break free, but here I am, wondering if the one person I have trusted in my life does not actually want to be that person to me anymore. She certainly does not trust me enough, as I have learned today.

Today was just a bad day, and I am hoping that tomorrow, I will wake up and feel better about myself, my body, and my life. I hope to have a good night’s sleep and have sweet dreams, like ones that do NOT involved my ex-boyfriend and me waking up to find out that he and I will be working together over spring break. Please kill me now. I just want some good news!!

I hope you are all having wonderful days because when you guys are happy, it makes me happy.

-A

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