“You think I’m ugly, don’t you? And I know you hate my body.”
These are the first words of one of my favorite songs by the Maine. It’s catchy and upbeat, but more than that, I feel like it is me. I am so beyond happy in my life overall, but lately, I have been struggling more and more with the way I look.
I am retreating back to the pitfalls of my eating disorder. I am trying to live off of nothing but fruit and vegetables. I am too easily caving when presented with the option of eating ice cream. I hate the way I look in the mirror. I hate the way I look in pictures.
Am I pretty? Sometimes, I don’t think so.
And people are going to read this and tell me that I am pretty and perfect the way I am. I don’t need to lose ten pounds before the cruise in a month. But nothing those people say is going to make me think any differently. I am still going to feel the need to lose weight–and I am not going to end up losing it, no matter how hard I try. I can eat healthy and exercise–better than other people–and I will remain looking like this blob.
I don’t even want to post this, but it won’t feel real unless I reveal what my bad days are like.
I do not want to have to face the world today. Going to work sounds like the biggest pain in the world right now. Running sounds perfect, but my knees and ankles won’t let me get very far.
This isn’t who I want to be. But I am not what I want to look like.
It’s difficult to articulate what exactly I feel right now. Part of me cannot think of anything other than “mlehhh.” And I know that so many other people have problems that are so much worse than mine, so I feel awful worrying about myself. My problems are so trivial compared to everyone else’s.
I wish things were different, but my head likes to play games with me. And I wish I could end this post on a positive note, but I can’t come up with one that ends in an upward direction. I want to say that I will exercise and I will be okay, that I will eat healthier, that I can accept myself. The first two of those do not promote a healthy mindset for a recovering person, and the latter I just can’t bring myself to admit its truth.
However, I can say that tomorrow is a new day, and tomorrows are opportunities.
Maybe seeing Jurassic World again will help me. Even if it doesn’t, Chris Pratt is one hunky dude, and he can totally brighten my day.
I’m trying. A.
Sorry, no links to my social networks today, but you should totally follow me on all of them anyway! Or email me. I love emails.