Miles Away

Do you feel that? That wonderful feeling? Yup, it is Friday.

While Fridays are almost unanimously the best days of the week and I am super pumped that this week is over, a lot has been going on in my mind lately. I will start with the most exciting thing that is clogging my brain–and I mean that in the best way.

I am going to Scotland!!

At least, I hope I am. I am applying to study abroad next Fall in Stirling, Scotland, and I have never been so excited about anything. Like, I thought coming to Cal Poly was awesome? This actually probably takes the cake.

glenfinnan copy

I am (hopefully) going with two of my very best friends in AOII, Tori and Kristin, and it is pretty much all we can talk about. It is basically the only thing in my head. It is the reason I am more dedicated to my schoolwork than last year, it is the reason I am trying so hard to get a job [Sidenote: I had an interview today!!], it is the reason I have changed my wallpapers to the Scottish countryside, it is the reason I find myself getting way ahead on my homework. I mean it: Wednesday night I finished homework that is not due until Monday. MONDAY. My mom would be so proud.

Everything I have been doing that last few weeks is because of Scotland. Just imagine me blogging from Europe! Think of the adventures I will have–then proceed to share with you guys, of course. I live vicariously through the bloggers I follow that travel/live on the other side of the world, and now I might get to be one of them!

I am living again.

I mean, that sounds weird, but it is true. Over the summer, and even last year at school, I kept to myself. I stayed in a lot. While I got through a lot of Netflix, finished my book, and got much needed quiet time, this year I am shaking things up a bit. One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to experience more and live a little. Honestly, I did a pretty bad job of that until I got back to SLO.

Now I have plans. A lot. All the time. I am always with my friends. I have friends. This weekend, my roommates want to have people over, and for once, I think I have other plans. I HAVE PLANS. Last weekend, I went out every night (except Sunday, of course), and I had a great time. I got to laugh with my friends, rescue my friends from a concert, save my roommate from an awkward encounter, and more. I was out even more than my roommates! Can you believe that?

This is the kind of person I want to be. When I was going through depression/recovery, I only ever imagined my life would be like this. And here I am, living out my dreams. It sounds lame–like, who actually enjoys life when it is nonstop class, homework, repeat. But I love it. Even my insanely boring classes.

Living is so much fun, I cannot believe there was a time when I wanted to give it all up.

What exactly counts as ED relapse?

Yeah, of course, there is some bad news. It is not all sunshine and rainbows. The last few weeks have had me on a rollercoaster in my recovery. There are days when all I eat during the day is coffee, a banana, and a sandwich. I know I need more than that, but I tried eating more and just felt like I was going to throw up. Am I relapsing? Or is this a part of the process? It has been a year since I committed to changing my ways, and I find this day just as hard as the first. There is no one really to hold me accountable for it except myself, and that is not really a good thing. Now that I am not on a meal plan and I am “ballin’ on a budget,” I keep trying to convince myself that turkey sandwiches and coffee will sustain me.

It. Does. Not.

I am wondering if this counts as a relapse. I have not weighed myself in ages, so I have no idea if I am losing weight or gaining it. But that is not all an eating disorder is, and I have to remember that. Part of what has kept me from falling backwards is this blog. I basically tell you guys everything, and I would never want to lie to you.

This blog and my readers are such a big part of both of my recoveries, and I want to thank you all for just being there to even glance at this page. I know that I have so much more to live for than what I put myself through. Like Scotland. Told you it is always on my mind.


Okay, now I must get to homework because, you guessed it, SCOTLAND. Updates to come as I get them. Oh just think of all the all the writing I can do abroad–think of the inspiration Scotland will give me!

Okay, I have to actually think about Lancelot and Odysseus (but not at the same time). Peace out, blogging world!

-Ash

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