(Un)lost

I am not constantly suffering anymore, I know that much is true. But when it hits me, it hits me hard. Some days, I just feel empty. I feel the same hollowness that consumed me in my darkest days. I am not sad, I am not angry, I am just numb.

These days often come to me when I spend a lot of time surrounded by people. I have been going out a lot this year, and I have done a lot of things. I am trying not to miss out on anything. After so much of my time being dedicated to my social life…I don’t know, it just drained me. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

I feel tired. Actually, exhausted is the word I am looking for. And my body is fighting back at me. Yup, yours truly is getting sick.

I need to take some time away from people, but my schedule does not quite permit me to do that. This weekend (except for Saturday night) is going to be a mental health weekend. I do not want to go out, I do not want to dance on tables, and I certainly do not want to fend off drunk boys. All I want to do is check movies off of my Netflix queue and get a lot of writing done.

It is hard to be excited about things right now. The hollowness is returning, and I am finding it difficult to fill my heart with any sort of emotion.

When I was in my darkest days, this is how I felt–except it was never ending. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, not even a glimpse of one. Lost was an understatement. Trapped could be a better word. I thought that being found would solve all my problems. I expected that finding my purpose would solve all of my problems. It didn’t.

There is no finite way to describe what depression feels like. I can only try to put into words what it felt like for me. There was no reason for me to keep living, and I had zero excitement about anything. I dreaded getting up every morning, and going to sleep at night was my only escape–that is, until the Bad Thoughts followed me into my dreams. Then there was no getting away from it.

I cried until I was dry, until my insides hurt so much it made me sick. There was a hole in my heart and in my soul that I knew could never be filled. I truly believed that this was how I was going to live the rest of my life, so I saw no reason to keep going. It was absolutely pointless.

All I wanted was for someone to come along and give me purpose. I begged God for a sign. I did not want those dreams I had as a little kid to be for nothing. Nine years was a long time to wait.

A year ago, things started to change. Life started to be exciting, and I actually looked forward to things. I forgot what that felt like.

All that time I spent wasting away, losing myself in emptiness, I was waiting for someone to find me, to make me whole again. I thought it would just fall into my lap, as if everything had always been that easy. A year ago, I learned that I did not need to be found.

I just wanted to feel unlost.

And that is exactly what I am. I still don’t know if I found my purpose in life. I am really not sure of anything right now. Adulting is hard. I am still trying to figure out who I am. But I don’t feel so lost anymore. I am finally realizing that it is okay to not have it all figured out right this second, and I shouldn’t have though I needed it figured out a few years ago. Life is not going to just fall into place magically, I have to take steps to build it. I am still learning that.

Love, Ash

PS The song that inspired this post, which I have wanted to write for some time, but could not find the right words (and still struggling for them) is one of my favorites. It describes how I feel so well, and every time I listen to it, I am surprised how much I get out of it. I learn something new every time I hear it.

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