Waves of Fear

Welcome to finals week…

I am honestly not sure if I am numb to the stress or if I am just blatantly over it. My schedule goes a little like this:

  • I had a paper for English due on Friday, as well as two papers for LS
  • Two classmate responses due by Sunday at midnight for previous English class.
  • Actual English final on Tuesday.
  • Two papers for my other English class due on Thursday.
  • Actual LS final on Friday.

But actually…I do not have a Friday class, but somehow I managed to have a final that day. Really???

As much as I dislike finals, there is actually a purpose to this post than to just complain about them. My problem right now is this: recovery has not been good to me lately.

I have good days, of course, and bad days– so what else is new? The thing is that those days come one after the other, and I am left feeling weird. I am not quite sure how to explain it.

My good days are, well, good. Which is awesome. My bad days…not so much. That is pretty self explanatory, though. However, I have been trying to conquer my fear foods again. Some of them I barely fear anymore, and I could not be more grateful, but others are not so good to me.

But it is not because I am necessarily afraid of them. The problem is that they are making me sick.

A few days ago, I did some friend-bonding (and boy-talking, of course) and got ice cream with two of my friends (Tori and Kristin). I suggested it, knowing I had the craving and I need to get over this fear. So we got our Thrifty’s, and it was delicious. But later that night I was curled up in my bed thinking my Six Year No Vomit Streak was going to be broken. I was miserable, but I thought it was just because I bit off more than I could chew. It happens when I get excited about something.

A night or so later, I had a movie night with Tori, Kristin, and Mads. I had made some pasta (another food I get nervous about) that night before we went to SLO’s Holiday Parade downtown, and when we gathered at Tori’s I brought over the rest of the batch and some apple cider. Apple Cider makes me bloat like no other, but it is too good to pass up. And I was prepared for the carb-load I was getting from the pasta. I cannot be afraid of them anymore. It was all good and fun, too, until about halfway through the movie. I was feeling sick again!

It’s not like I was eating a lot, either. I would say it was a good amount for me, and this was not the normal sick feeling after eating too late in the evening or anything like that. What was going on with me?

Then a few days later, I went out to dinner with my sorority family, plus my Big’s younger brother. We got Mexican food. Of course, coming from Southern California, I love Mexican food–except salsa. I cannot seem to get over my dislike of tomatoes. But I have been skeptical about it for some time, and it scares me to overdo it. Plus, not being too hungry at the time, I settled for a simple cheese quesadilla. It was very good, and I was proud of myself. Too bad that not long after I was feeling queasy.

Now it could have been that AOII’s Date Party was that night and I was nervous about my date that put my stomach in knots, but even after a great night, I went to be with that same bit of nausea.

Then we have last night. I spent the day starting my first paper due on Thursday (by the way, it is coming along very nicely). When I left my roommates to grab some snacks and to go study with two of my other friends (Mads and Kristin–I don’t have any other friends actually), I was feeling a little strange. I think it was the coffee and lack of food with substance (an apple and half a Nutella sandwich about an hour before). My snacks were not the best choice, but I had a major craving. Pre-ED, I adored Honey BBQ Twisty Fritos, but I have not eaten them since then. Natalie had picked some up for her own snacking pleasure, and seeing her eating them reminded me that they were one fear food I had not thought about getting over. So I bought a bag of them.

Let me tell you, it felt so good to eat them. I did not feel the least bit guilty! However, about a half-hour later, the major nausea was back. This was the worst it had been yet, so I decided to go home. I had to stop a few times to take a breather so I wouldn’t throw up. I got home and curled up in my bed for a while. It helped a little bit.

So far, the only foods that have not made me nauseous is broccoli. Great! You know, I love veggies and all, but now I am out of broccoli! So I thought maybe a salad would be a good way to go. It didn’t make me feel too bad, but I didn’t feel too great either.

Is this just me getting sick? Because I definitely am coming down with a cold or something. Or is it more?

Why is it my fear foods that are making me feel like this? I thought I was doing well because I wanted to try them again, but because they have been making me feel so nasty, I am only more afraid to try others! What happens when I go home and my family gets our favorite Mexican place to cater? What happens the next time my friends want to get ice cream? Am I going to want to risk it?

I was doing so well before this…and I am not really sure what to do now. I want to conquer my fear foods, but then I am more afraid of them now because I keep feeling so sick. It could very well just be a bug, but I don’t know for sure. That sliver of doubt is telling me to avoid my fear foods.

You see why I am conflicted?

Do I avoid them for a while and try again? Or keep trying now? Has this ever happened to anyone before?

Ugh, I am just stressed and need a nap.

Your frustrated and always sleepy blogger friend, Ashley

PS On the bright side, I have discovered a new favorite movie! It is called Stuck in Love, and if you have heard of it, you will know why I am now going to watch it once a week.

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