I have spent the last…five or so days laying in bed and watching Netflix. Or reading. With some writing here and there. But I have barely left the comfort of my bed in days. I am becoming the Ashley I was last year! However, since it was finals week, I think it is okay.
Out of all the writing I have done, I have done zilch for the blog. It’s not that I don’t want to, it is that I am not quite sure where to go from here. I filmed a video that I wanted to put up a few days ago, but it didn’t seem quite right. I have considered re-filming it, saying different things, going in a slightly different direction with it…but as much as I ramble on in it, I thought it accurate put my thoughts out in a way I couldn’t write them.
And as I watch the video again, I see that it is kind of all over the place, but it flowed in my head. There is a lot that I say, and there is a lot I don’t.
It was brought to my attention recently that I was playing off depression as just being sad and it is because of external factors. I know very well that it is a mental disorder. I spent a lot of time asking myself why I was so sad every day. All day and all night and in my dreams. I completely understand that it is not just “being sad,” and I am sorry if I made it seem that way.
I also made it seem as if Jino chose to end his life because of pressures to be perfect, but that is not what I meant. It is simply a question that I had, since I do not know the whole story. I am sorry if it came off as anything else.
I know that for me, part of my depression came from the pressure I was under–as in the pressure was amplified in my mind, and when I couldn’t live up to expectations, I harshly beat myself up for it. That was what I was referring to if I made it appear that I was also speaking on Jino’s behalf.
I am sorry I have been talking about him so much…it is really just all I can think about right now. Thank you, Netflix, for sort of getting my mind off of it. But I am going to talk about him a little bit more, and then I promise to try for some happier posts. I mean, it is Winter Break, and I can to reunite with Gracie and Edie in a few days. And good things have been happening to me
in the boy department.
So now that you are done reading my rambles, now you can listen to them.
Disclaimer: In this video, when I say “it gets better” and things like that and pertaining to recovery, I do not mean that it happens so quickly. I feel as though I slightly brush it off as if it does, but I know very well that recovery is a process.
If y’all have any questions or comments or concerns, please talk to me! I am really not a know-it-all, and I do not want to come off that way. This is just stories and thoughts of my life and what I gather from my experiences. Obviously mine are not the same as anyone else’s.
I look forward to a day of cleaning and packing with a little Fixer Upper in the background. I get to go home tomorrow!
Love always, Ash
PS Star Wars Episode VII comes out this week!!!!!!!! And a happy birthday to Taylor Swift! So much excitement.