Live to Win

After drafting three different posts and hating all of them, I am finally sitting down this morning to write something. I have been extremely uninspired lately, and call it Dead Week, Week 10, or Finals Prep, but they are all the same thing to me. And I am sick and just had my blood drawn. So you could say this Wednesday morning is going well.

I would like to tell you about something other than my eating disorder or depression, but that is kind of my whole life. And that is what this blog is about: my life. And who am I without those awful things that happened to me? Those things have molded me into the woman I am, and I am still changing.

I have had a few losses recently. My brain likes to remind me that I haven’t gone to the gym in while, and it does not take into account that I am coughing my lungs out every thirty seconds or so. This morning, for two of the blood tests, I had to fast, meaning I could not eat anything until afterwards. In my head, I worried about this. Part of me thought it could be a good thing. If I could fast all morning, then I could just keep fasting, right? And another part of me could not wait until I could get Starbucks and eat my peanut butter granola bar afterward, maybe get a muffin. Starbucks has fabulous blueberry muffins. And then the ED part of my brain tells me not to eat the muffin. But the Recovery part tells me it will be okay. And I decided to not get the muffin, but now it is 10:30, and I know I will be starving by the time I go to class at noon, so now I think I will get it.

Ah, the constant inner battle between all the different parts of my head. They all want me to do different things.

I have also had a few wins, though. Last night, I did a little grocery shopping to get some essentials for the rest of Dead Week and then Finals Week. As a snap decision, I picked up a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a box of Cheeze-Its. I knew I would not put them back on the shelf, and that was huge for Recovery Me. And when I went home, I ate some of that pint. It was delicious. And when I went to bed, I did not feel guilty. It was wonderful. And when I woke up, I could not wait to do it again. It was fabulous.

This was a win I needed.

Because my losses are hurting me. Every day, I walk to school and listen to music. There is not much to look at except the other people making their way to campus. And it is just natural for me to compare myself to every girl I walk behind or pass by. My legs don’t look like hers. I could never pull off that shirt. I want thinner thighs and I wish I was not knock-kneed.

As soon as I think these things, my Recovery Brain swoops in and scolds me for this train of thought. It tells me that I have great curves and a nice hourglass figure that people envy. And sometimes when I find myself comparing my body to someone’s much younger than me, I yell at myself even louder. Those girls have barely hit puberty and still have their young, preteen bodies. Of course, I don’t look like them! I should definitely not look like them. If I did, we would have a big problem. A twenty year-old should have the body of a twenty year-old.

I know not all bodies are the same. Clearly. But mine is mine, and I may not look like other girls my age, but I look like me. And that is a great thing. I am learning to accept me.

And I am rambling again, aren’t I?

I guess my point is that–and I know I say this a lot–I am learning. I and learning to accept myself and my body. Every day is a battle that I refuse to lose. I will continue working at this for as long as it takes. I am as dedicated to Recovery as I am to writing and to my love of coffee. And if that does not seem like much to you, I am about to grab my second coffee of the day before noon and I have been spending all my free moments writing. Sometimes I make free moments. And I have four finals next week.

Wow, I sound like a terrible student, don’t tell my mom.

But hey, I made it this far in life, and I never thought I would see eighteen. I am developing a healthy relationship with working out and with food. Wins or losses, I am living.

And as uninspired as I am with blogging right now, at least I am out in the world and thriving. That is the important thing, right? Right.

Okay, back to studying…post-Civil War South is waaay more interesting than I thought!

-Ash

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