Tomorrow Never Dies

Sometimes, life really gets you down, and right now, life is really getting me down. I am about to have midterms coming out of my ears, I have allergies for the first time in my life, there is a particular person from my past that is being wildly immature, and a certain person from my present might not see a future. (Cryptic, I know).

With all these things happening, and with my eyes tearing up and sneezing every single time I step outdoors, it is hard to see the good things in my life. Usually, I refer to depression as feeling empty, but these things (especially the cryptic one) are making me feel overwhelmingly full of sadness and stress. Instead of feeling nothing, I suddenly feel everything.

I know that writing this post means I am not studying for my tests. You could say it is a high opportunity cost with a marginally decreasing benefit (that one is for you, Econ midterm). My study guide is staring at me, just waiting to be read. My notes are itching to be highlighted and memorized. My textbook wants to be studied. And what did I do? I went to the gym, and now I am blogging.

Plus, I forgot to buy a scantron. But found a friend with an extra, and I am paying him in peanut M&Ms. Thank God.

I know that the more time I spend writing for you, my wonderful readers (all four of you), is less time I have to relearn about supply and demand curves. Or compare Puritan American writers to British Tories. It’s excting stuff, kids.

It does not help that I now wake up every morning with eyes so puffy it looks like I spent the entire night before crying. My nose stings constantly, and it seems like every minute or so I am running for a tissue to stop a runner. The, when the waters are calm, and I think everything is okay, BAM my sinuses give me a splitting headache. In the middle of work.

I do not like this. I do not like this one bit!

Becuase I am too lazy to put on make up when I am just going to allergy-cry it off (even though it’s waterproof, mind you), I have been venturing to class fresh-faced. Then a friend of mine simply said something along the lines of, “wow, looks like you had a really rough morning.” Thanks for the confidence boost, pal.

My body image issues don’t stop with my body. They reach to my face, usually primed and perfect. But laziness and lack of motivation in the morning leaves me with just some moisturizer and a prayer that my acne doesn’t act up. It’s difficult when the media tells you to love your true self but gives you all these tools to change it. I won’t talk about that, though.

I also won’t get into the immature person from my past and the person in my present. Thinking about them puts me back in the dumps, where I really do not want to be. The past is past and we should leave it there. I lived it, and I learned from it. It is done. As for the present, I need to keep focusing on the good things in my life and not let the not-so-good others get the better of me. Yes, it really sucks, but I need to believe that everything happens for a reason. It is in God’s hands, and if this was not meant to live on past college, then I will let it be. I want to fight for it, I do, but I don’t want to put all my energy into someone who is not going to fight for me as well. I am tired of battling my way through friendships and relationships that I end up letting go of. It takes up so much of my self-worth thinking that I can win, when I never do.

It hurts to say that, and it is not very Recovery Me of me. But sometimes letting go is the only way to keep moving forward. These things hold me back from becoming my best self. I cannot let myself get stuck with the Bad Thoughts swirling around my head, tying me up like ropes and holding me captive. I have tried so hard to break free from those bonds. I cannot backslide right now.

Luckily, there are good things in my life to counteract the bad. There always is.

For one, my brother committed to college this past weekend! He gets to be part of the Class of 2020 at Texas Christian University, and I could not be more proud of him. I hoped he would chose that school because I have always imagined him going to Texas. Before it was at UT, but that is a bit too big for him. Now I get to sport a purple cap for him! My mom is also excited because Point Loma’s (his other choice) color is green, like Cal Poly. My mom was a little sick of green. My brother gets to be a Super Frog. Congrats to him!

For two, I got a job! I am so excited to work at Victoria’s Secret. I mean, I found out that I have been wearing the wrong bra size for a while, which sucks. As I thought, my boobs did shrink–but I haven’t lost any weight (???). So confused about this, but it just means I get to buy all new bras. So stoked.

For three, my car is now with me in SLO. That’s right, Phillip is here! I actually think I might change his name to Old Sport because he is an old Ford Explorer Sport and I love The Great Gatsby. I mean, why not? I will most likely keep his name as Phillip, but use Old Sport as a nickname. It’s a thing to affectionately name your car, okay. Do not judge me.

It is exhilarating to finally be able to drive myself around town. I am already planning a trip to the beach. I don’t have to depend on my roommates or friends for rides and I don’t have to plan my grocery shopping around their trips. It is kind of freeing. I feel so much more responsible and independent because I can do more things on my own. I’ve never liked depending on other people too much, and now that I have a job and my car and I am going abroad, I really feel like I am #adulting.

Even though there is an abundance of things in life to get me down, there are countless more things to bring me back up. Steph’s motto has always been: keep moving forward (from Meet the Robinsons), and I think that is a fabulous motto to live by. I know that there are parts of life that make me want to throw it all away. And I will cry about these things, I will be honest about that. But I will also pick myself back up and keep going. I say this a lot, but today is just today and tomorrow is new. It is a chance to start over and take another swing at things.

So, in honor of baseball season, I am going to keep swinging.

-Ash 🙂

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