Keep Moving Forward

So I had a little epiphany recently. I wanted to blog about it–I started typing up a post and everything–but time got in the way, and I did not get to finish it. Since I have been AWOL for so long, you guys have been saved from hearing me ramble on about eating disorders, depression, and recovery. But I am back, folks, so get ready.

Recovery has been pretty good to me, as you have seen. Obviously, it hits me fairly hard sometimes, but for the most part, I am doing well. As far as recovery for my eating disoder goes, I still count calories (unfortunately), and that has played a big role. I try to keep it to loose estimates and not add them all up throughout the day, just kind of think in the moment. But the numbers still scare me more than I wish they would.

Recently, however, I came to the realization that “healthy” numbers in my mind had changed. They were higher, and when my brain added them up for me before I could stop it, the totals were not so scary. They even seemed a little low. I was okay with, almost encouraging myself to, eat more, to give my body what it needs, as well as what it wants, rather than going at the minimum and being picky about it. Donuts on a Saturday night? Heck yes. Mindlessly snacking on Cheez-Its while watching Jurassic Park? Sounds bomb. Eating a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s (not froyo) while binging chick flicks with K and her high school friends? Sign me up! Along with that, I would love to recommend the “Boom Chocolatta” flavor of B&Js because it is delicious.

The fun thing is this: I don’t really feel any guilt. There’s still a sliver of it, some days more than others, but it is so easy to ignore and let it go. It does not affect me like it used to, and it is one of the most exciting things I have felt in a long time. It is very freeing to not live my life in terms of caloric content and restricting my intake of my old favorite indulgences. Life is too short to worry about those kinds of things, and it took me a long time to figure that out. But at least I figured it out, right?

So many exciting things are happening in my life right now: my job, summer, London. Yup, I have just purchased my plane ticket to London, England, and I am jumping for joy. I somehow convinced my parents, and this is really happening. I cannot believe it! Why have I spent so much time and energy worrying about the numbers at the top of a food’s nutrition facts when I should have been planning out all the adventures I am going to go on, even little excursions to various beaches near SLO this summer.

Maybe it is not the right time to be so enthusiastic about life when so much terror has been inflicted on our world, but I have lived too long wallowing in grief. Of course, I am upset about all this–it is truly awful–and I am praying for the victims, their families, and those personally and emotionally affected by these things. But if I slip too far into a state of mourning, bouncing back will take just as much (and more) energy out of me. We grieve, we move forward. Note: we do not move on, but forward. There is a difference. I have chosen to keep moving forward in life and to always imprive myself, while tyring to influence others around me to embrace all the wonderful things in life.

I just wanted to share my little recovery win with y’all now that I have returned to my little corner of the internet. I have rewarded myself with the purchase of “slutty brownie” mix, which I will be enjoying this weekend. Can’t wait to bake! I have been longing to bake something good for a while now, thanks to Pintrest. This is a pre-made mix, but it will still be delicious. Baby steps.

And now I am curled up on my couch watching Jurassic Park with my laptop and notebook. A little watching, a little writing. And later? A little reading. Summer is good!

Can’t wait to take on the next few months with you guys, see where the summer take me. I get to hang out with my friends and go to the beach and go hiking…one of my co-workers and I are going to head up to the top of Bishop’s one of these days. Finding Dory comes out this Friday. I get to adventure with my friends and adventure solo. It will get me ready for taking on London in September.

Don’t mind me, just squealing internally (and externally) over here!

xx Ash

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