What Do I Know? – A short reflection on impending adulthood

I’m back! Sort of…

It’s taken me a while to come up with something that isn’t “Things are terrible, my mental health is in the drain, and I’m refraining from all social activity until I graduate.” Because that certainly wouldn’t be a pleasant update. But that is kind of how my life is going.

I mean, I can’t say that it’s the schoolwork that has me this way because I purposely gave myself an easy quarter. I dropped my minor and put myself through hell the last two quarters so that I could take it easy this Spring. So school is fine for me.

But people? People are not fine for me. A particular few are certainly fine, but as a whole? Well, let’s just say I’d rather stay at home with a good book. I just don’t have the patience anymore to fake wanting to go downtown and be in large social settings. Sometimes, yes, those things can be fun for me, like last weekend, but it’s so hard to be excited about them anymore. I want to be involved, since we’re leaving so soon, it’s just difficult to talk to people when I’d rather be alone in my head.

That’s an unhealthy thing to say, isn’t it?

In one month, I will be a Cal Poly graduate. That’s what is scary to me. I thought I would have so much more figured out by now. Nothing in my life has turned out how little, ten year-old me expected it to. I’m still trying to be okay with that.

I guess this isn’t much of an update…since I’m saying all of the same things I have been.

I’m just trying to make sense of the way things are turning out to be. I wish I had all the answers because the pressure to have them is far too high. I feel like I’m floundering around. A fish out of water. And I’m afraid.

It doesn’t help that my anxiety is through the roof lately. The only reason I can give for that is graduation. It kind of feels like life is going to stop after the ceremony is over.

The bright side is that I do get to get away this weekend. I get to escape the college bubble I’ve been sucked into (albeit voluntarily). And I’ll be happy to be with real world people doing some real world things–not surrounded by so-to-be college grads stressing about midterms, jobs, or moving out. Those things will be waiting for me when I get back, obviously, but some time away from it all will do me good.

Plus, my grad photos turned out FLAWLESS, and sometimes that’s enough to ease my anxiety. I don’t even have body image anxiety about them! Well…much. Not enough to really bother me.

seniorphotos_35

So that’s my little check-in for you. That’s really all I have right now. Things are not great but they’re also not terrible? I started writing this post when I was in a bad mental place, but now I’m remembering that I can be optimistic. Guess I need to get my mind in order…

Til next time.

Ash

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