So I wrote down all the assignments I have left to turn in this quarter, and the list is so short I CANNOT HANDLE IT. Graduation is so close, and I can’t believe it.
Not having a job lined up post-grad is probably one of the worst feelings for me. I know, I know, I shouldn’t be freaking out because not everyone finds a job. I still have so much time. Yeah, people who keep telling me that: you’re not helping!! Partly because most of the people that say that have a job lined up, so they don’t really know the feeling.
I’m afraid of moving home and getting comfortable and then being afraid to leave, to put myself out there again. As someone with incredibly low self-esteem (and as someone who is terrible at interviews because of anxiety), every job or internship I look at, I decide I’m unqualified for because I have no real experience in the field I would like to be in. Because helping non-writer engineers look like they know how to write a simple essay isn’t actually worth anything. But even when I convince myself that wait, I can do the things this job requires of me, I apply. Great! Progress! And it leads to nothing, which happens but it’s disheartening.
The problem with the job market today is that next to nobody is willing to give you a chance to prove yourself. So that, plus there being a relatively small pool of jobs and internships that I am sort of qualified for, means that my odds are terrible. So I’m still jobless. And my morale is low–only getting lower.
I know that’s a terrible way to look at it. I should keep trying! I will find a good fit for me! There are so many options! …Uh, yeah, there’s only so much pep in my step right now.
Writing this post really upset me. I hate to admit my
failure defeat. Tears welled up in my eyes, and I couldn’t stop them. I’ve been having a really hard time with that this year, holding back my tears. I don’t know how I can feel better about this right now.
In my head, everything has always been figured out. Tied up neatly in a perfect little bow. That’s where being a storyteller and needing to escape into my head has gotten me into trouble. Because things never happen like how I make them up in my mind. I thought I would have published a book by now and been able to support myself. I thought I would have a cool internship that would teach me all about the industry. I thought I’d be happier.
But I’m…moving home. That is the last thing I ever wanted to do. And everything feels kind of hopeless.
Stop being so negative, Ashley.
Okay, yeah, I know, but for once I feel like I can’t just look on the bright side. I feel like I need to just wallow in defeat for a bit to win back some motivation. Because I really feel like I have none at this point. I will have it back eventually, and fairly soon, but right now? Right now I’ve lost. I’ve disappointed Younger Me on so many levels.
Like everything, I’ll bounce back. And thanks to my wild mood swings, right now I can see that happening–whereas I didn’t yesterday when I started this post. Maybe because now I’m hanging out with Tori, trying cold brew red wine, working on my senior project, and watching the glorious Hannah Montana: the Movie.
It’s the little things, ya know?
So before I get all negative again, I’m going to end it there and get back to senior project things. Still stressed, very worried, not okay with entering the real world.