Lately I’ve been AWOL. In life, over text, on the blog. Heck even my twitter is lacking originality and creativity of any kind. It’s all about Steve Harrington’s character development in season 2 of Stranger Things.
The last time I fell into a pit of darkness was my junior year of high school. There was a giant severing of my friend group, and (separately but by people involved in said severing) I was shunned by my friends because I didn’t despise Taylor Swift for dating Harry Styles. So many people I cared about decided I wasn’t important enough to keep around, so naturally, I decided I wasn’t important enough either. Junior year was one of the hardest and most isolating years of my life.
Here I am, five years later, and the pit of darkness? It’s still here, too. I’ve gone through periods of time in college where things are pretty bleak and I feel like I’m thirteen years old again and hating myself. But this last week or so has been different. I haven’t felt this off since…well, a long time.
I’ve been messing up by days so badly that I missed a paper deadline, I forgot about a sorority event, I didn’t do a homework assignment on time, I screwed up travel plans, and I have three more classes to take than I originally thought to graduate. Any work I do isn’t just unappreciated or not respected, it’s downright degraded. I don’t have enough money to buy groceries anymore so I’ve been living off bags of Doritos left over from Parents Weekend. I hate my body as much as I did senior year of high school. I’m acting like a bitch to people I care about.
This is me @ everything:
Last Thursday I cried during my bowling class, which made me look like an idiot. I was bowling very poorly, but that shouldn’t have been as upsetting as it was–and I’m in a freaking bowling class. I was going to get to spend two hours in my next class doing nothing but writing Book 3 aka My Senior Project, I was supposed to be in a good mood! But I was not only in a bad mood, I was in a pissed-off, scream-into-pillows, pull-my-hair out mood. I went home that day barely able to hold back tears. I walked into my dark bedroom and got in bed, only leaving once to get yet another bag of Doritos. I hated myself. I hated that day. I hated everyone.
What’s wrong, Ashley?
I wish I had a better answer, but that is exactly where I’m at right now.
I’m feeling empty again, unlike other times. It’s worse. And I can’t seem to let any of this anger or need for escape go. It’s similar to when I had anxiety abroad, and all I wanted was to scream at everyone for the utter insipidness of their conversations. I couldn’t say a word without wanting to burst into tears. I didn’t want to feel it anymore. What’s different about this time is that I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I want to go to sleep forever and not have to deal with the pressures of school and my friends.
Maybe I’m more angry that I can still feel like this after so long. After so much work. And after so much time, I feel like I still can’t talk to so many people about any of this. I can’t just be completely honest when someone asks me what’s wrong. By the time anyone notices something off with me, there is a culmination of things and they’ve just been piling up for so long. It’s not even about anything anymore.
“Are you okay? What happened?”
“I got an 87 in bowling today.” It sounds so stupid, right? Right! But it’s not just bowling, it’s making dumb mistake after dumb mistake. It’s never being able to be stressed about school because other people have a far more intensive workload. It’s about trying to be mature and do adult things and failing miserably. It’s about never being able to be tired because I went to bed before midnight. It’s about seeing every other person happy or healthy or secure in what they’re going to do with their life and I still feel so all over the place. And it’s about not being able to just say these things out loud to people.
I wish I had something positive to say after all this. I always want to end on a good note, but right now I feel pretty hopeless. I know it’s temporary and I know it’s in my head…but that doesn’t mean it sucks any less. And it doesn’t mean my feelings are any less real.
I don’t know what kind of slump this is yet. Because Thursday was one of the worst days of my life–and if you have read this blog at all, you’ll know that’s saying something–but Friday was such a high. I met my great-grand-little and she’s so cute and sweet. I got to laugh with my sorority family, whom I love so much. I felt things. But other than that? I just…don’t.
I’m doing my best not to let this numbness tear down everything I’ve built up in the last five years. Or anything I’ve worked so hard to overcome for the last twelve (oh, my God, has it really been that long??). But I also don’t see myself letting go of this darkness right away.
You remember that one Fairy Odd Parents episode where Timmy asks Cosmo and Wanda to take away his emotions? That’s how I feel right now. Or…I don’t feel? Basically:
“How do you feel, Ashley?”
I don’t know, I just feel like I need to be honest. Sometimes I don’t know my thoughts until I blog about them. I’ve just been rather uninspired and very much empty–maybe for longer than I realized. I guess I just think it’s important to note this:
Depression is hard. Recovery is harder.
And if you’re like me and you’ve struggled with this for years and you’re still having a hard time, I’m with you. It’s not always easy, and sometimes it gets you when you least expect it.
Keep working at it. I’m going to.
((I guess that’s almost positive?))
I’ll just be over here trying to feel something and do things that aren’t stress out and watch Stranger Things or The Office all day.