Well, guys…I DID IT. I graduated.
I’ve been AWOL from the blog the last couple of weeks partly due to working my butt off to finish my projects and papers and partly because I was trying to process the loss of a few famous names to suicide.
I have a lot to say about the latter, but I’ll leave it at this for now: depression sucks. Sometimes it’s too powerful for us to take, so we let it take us. You can be angry and hurt and scared, but it doesn’t change that mental illness can be stronger than us and we can’t fight it anymore, regardless of how much money and fame and “happiness” we have. So be there for every single person you know. Be kind. Don’t force phone numbers down their throats–chances are high that they have it saved already. And know that when someone is open with you, it means they trust you enough to share this darkness–and you might not be their best friend. In fact, you might just be an acquaintance, someone they’ve had a class or two with. And when that person is lively and energetic, remember that the darkness isn’t gone. Because I’m so very open with my depression, but only two or three people check in on me ever. Don’t just say you’ll be there. Actually be there. But know that we don’t always want help. It’s a tricky situation, I know, but be patient. Be patient, be there, be kind.
I graduated yesterday!! After slipping back into my depression this year in such a major way, I cannot believe I did it! College was a rough ride, to say the least, but I made it through, thanks to my parents, my friends, (a few of) my professors, coffee, snacks, Netflix, and Ally Carter.
My apartment is a mess and I very badly need to pack, but I also feel like I deserve to just sit back for a bit and watch The West Wing and read for fun. Oh my, am I going to be doing a lot of that now!
But I really couldn’t have done it alone, as much as I would like to say otherwise. There were a lot of times when I thought–and was stubbornly adamant about it–that I could do everything on my own. It took a long time for me to accept that I needed help, this year especially.
I did it though!
I’ve loved my four years at Cal Poly. I’ve really grown up and become a whole new person. I was naive and inexperienced when I came to this school at nineteen. And while I’m not totally mature and experienced now, I can say that I have blossomed and learned more than I ever expected. I still have flaws and there is still so much more I need to learn, but I’m not so afraid of that anymore.
Even though I’m moving back home, I am trying to accept that and to make the best of it. I have a couple of job opportunities there, and I hope that those will give me some kind of motivation and determination. Still looking for jobs, internships, and so on elsewhere, but I have to work with what I’ve got for now. I won’t have to pay rent when I go home and I can mooch a bit off the groceries my mom stocks up with. I’m incredibly grateful to be able to do such a thing, and I definitely won’t miss stretching meals because I don’t have the time or money to go grocery shopping every week. I’m happy I don’t have to completely adult yet.
Like I said, I still have a lot of growing up to do, and part of that is getting back the confidence I had when I went off to college in the first place. I didn’t expect to every move back home, and I am a bit disappointed that I am. I got discouraged when all the jobs I applied for didn’t work out. That happens, I know, but it didn’t make me feel any better to know that I wasn’t as grown up and ready for the real world as I thought. I thought it would be easier, and I certainly didn’t expect my anxiety to get so in the way of that. I just need to regroup and get back in the game–not that I’ve gone out yet, just took a breather on the bench for a bit.
As I pack my life up into boxes again, I’m excited for the future–for my future. I have a Bachelor’s degree from a great university, and I have a great support system. I also have at least twenty textbooks I don’t know what to do with yet, but that’s a problem for another hour.
Thank you, Cal Poly, for giving me wonderful friends, fantastic weather (mostly), and a great education. I’ve met some of the most amazing people in the world and had the most incredible adventures.
Onto the next thing…