Remember last week when I was being incredibly dramatic about my life crisis/meltdown? Me too, and I’m still being sort of dramatic, but I am generally feeling much better about the situation. I was having a hard time with my philosophy class, overhearing people talking about jobs they’re accepting–and rejecting according to the boy walking behind me the other day, could you imagine having so many offers you have to reject them?? I certainly can’t–and I was worried that my writing was, well, shit.
Since then, I have taken a philosophy midterm, which I actually feel pretty good about, overheard another guy talking about a job he was considering that was offering him “in the $95,000 a year range” like OKAY, and talked to my Writer Friend Sean about my story/senior project, which actually made me feel so much better. As much as I love my Frat Rats, Spookies, Matthew, etc friends, they just don’t quite get it when it comes to my passion for writing. It’s not because they don’t care, it’s because they just don’t have the same passions.
I was feeling incredibly dejected about the beginning to my third chapter after discussing it in class, and it made me completely rethink my passions and skills. I didn’t even have an inkling on how to fix it–or if I even should. I talked to Sean about it, and about his story/writing, and he encouraged me to keep going. He believed in my story and my characters, and, most importantly, my writing ability. So this past weekend when I was at Matthew’s I spent all day Saturday completely rethinking, revising, and rewriting chapter three–while watching Schitt’s Creek in the background.
Sidenote: I HIGHLY recommend that show!!
I was stressing big time about it, unsure about where I was going with it and figuring out how to fuse my background/history with the present plot. How was this possibly going to work? I had no idea. But I kept at it, reading and writing and believing in myself, and I think I came up with a great solution. As much as it originally didn’t sit well with me and the direction I was going for with my pacing and structure, I really like how it turned out. It is just a draft, of course, but I read through it again yesterday (because I needed a break from it for a few days), and I actually do think it’s much better. The suspense from the previous chapter continues and I was able to fuse most of the information into the action. I didn’t get to all of it, but since I know the next chapter is a set up for what’s to come, I can see how it fits there.
I’m actually excited about where it’s going!
I’m still freaking out about it, of course, but I’m having slightly less of a crisis about it. My crisis mode is being saved for understanding Plato for our next section in philosophy and finding a job for after graduation. Still completely freaking out about my future, as usual! But I’m not crying about it, which is far better than the last two weeks.
Plus, I have an exciting two weekends ahead of me, and I can’t be stressing! I need to enjoy this time. This weekend we are throwing our second annual Groundhogs Day Redemption fiesta, but this time there is a twist because it is also National Tater Tot Day. Nobody takes tots as seriously as we do–except Napoleon Dynamite. I’m stoked to just be able to relax this weekend. I’m trying to get ahead on my schoolwork so I can enjoy it. My friends are planning to be blacked out all weekend because we have a big “Italian Wedding” event on Friday and Sunday is the Superbowl so it’s a jam-packed few days. I don’t plan to be blacked out because I know I’ll feel terrible and I hate feeling nauseated more than anything in the entire world, but I do plan on indulging a bit. Maybe this is an excuse to get that avocado bacon cheeseburger I’ve been thinking about………
The following weekend is our Semi Formal, and I’m very much looking forward to getting all dressed up for a fun night! I’m in it for the cute pictures and the french fries that will inevitably be available at the venue. Matthew and I haven’t really taken a lot of pictures together lately, so I’m excited for a new one. He’s never been to one of these events before, so it should be pretty interesting. Even I feel out of my element at them sometimes, so it’ll be an experience for both of us.
I am trying to be optimistic about all the things that are happening–but also trying not to stress out about all the studying/schoolwork/writing I won’t be getting done because I’ll be participating in Life Things. I’m still trying to find the balance. But after feeling good about my philosophy midterm, it has been easier to find comfort in that balance. But one week ago I was failing a class–straight failing (sorry, Mom).
How could I be at such a low point so early in the quarter, you ask? Because the class is solely based on participation, and I am terrible when it comes to that. However, this week, things have really been looking up! Somehow, in one week’s time, I have brought up my grade a whopping 20%! At this rate, I can pull out a decent grade, so I’m pretty jazzed about that.
So basically, I am still in crisis mode, but I’m working through it. I am becoming more comfortable turning this not so great situation into one that I can benefit from. It’s a learning process, as I have so discovered. I’ve always known (well, since coming to college always) that I am still learning and growing, but that usually comes to my mind after a win. I’ve felt like I’m on a bit of a losing streak, and I realize I can learn from this now to turn it into a winning streak. I think I’m already starting to–considering my grade boost!
Today in my philosophy class, we went over this scenario in which we get the option to Matrix-esque plug into a virtual reality in which we are always happy–it’s so realistic we would never know the difference. If we had that opportunity, would we take it?
Of course, it had something to do with Plato’s philosophical argument about the always-connected pleasure and pain, meaning that we can’t have one unless we know the other. In this case it would be happiness and sadness. But if I’ve learned anything from life–and the movie Inside Out–it’s that you can’t have joy without sadness. That was my original argument in this exercise, but my professor said that the people plugging me into this virtual reality could give me that little bit of sadness to provide me that growth I get from sadness because it will ultimately lead me to happiness. If that was the case, then would I agree to “plug in” to this world? Maybe?
But then I thought: well, I’ve been through so much in my life to get me to this point, and even though I would still run the risk of being unhappy overall in life (which my crisis is making me think might happen), I’ve seen my life this far through. I’ve gone through twelve years of depression, and even more of anxiety. I’m proud of where I’ve gotten in my life, how much I’ve learned, so why shouldn’t I see this path through? My final answer to this virtual reality is no.
And yes, that’s overthinking it maybe, and bringing in things that are not typical to the normal person. It’s even a bit dramatic. But philosophy’s purpose is to make you truly think about the things you believe and why you believe them. And as much as I didn’t expect it to, this class has really gotten to me in a few ways. I’m actually a little bit into it. That doesn’t make the readings any easier to comprehend, but that’s not the point–they make sense in lecture and that’s what matters. And I’m actually interacting and using some of these concepts in my life, and I’m sure that’s my professor’s goal.
I may hate this crisis I’m going through because it’s really made me question my goals and the path I’ve taken in life, but it’s a learning process.
And now that I’ve rambled on for about fifteen hundred words about pointless revelations and thoughts that make no sense to anyone but myself, I will take any of you who have read this far out of your misery and sign off here. This is my public diary, isn’t it?
‘Til next time!