Strip it Down – Part Two

I have spent the last…five or so days laying in bed and watching Netflix. Or reading. With some writing here and there. But I have barely left the comfort of my bed in days. I am becoming the Ashley I was last year! However, since it was finals week, I think it is okay.

Out of all the writing I have done, I have done zilch for the blog. It’s not that I don’t want to, it is that I am not quite sure where to go from here. I filmed a video that I wanted to put up a few days ago, but it didn’t seem quite right. I have considered re-filming it, saying different things, going in a slightly different direction with it…but as much as I ramble on in it, I thought it accurate put my thoughts out in a way I couldn’t write them.

And as I watch the video again, I see that it is kind of all over the place, but it flowed in my head. There is a lot that I say, and there is a lot I don’t.

It was brought to my attention recently that I was playing off depression as just being sad and it is because of external factors. I know very well that it is a mental disorder. I spent a lot of time asking myself why I was so sad every day. All day and all night and in my dreams. I completely understand that it is not just “being sad,” and I am sorry if I made it seem that way.

I also made it seem as if Jino chose to end his life because of pressures to be perfect, but that is not what I meant. It is simply a question that I had, since I do not know the whole story. I am sorry if it came off as anything else.

I know that for me, part of my depression came from the pressure I was under–as in the pressure was amplified in my mind, and when I couldn’t live up to expectations, I harshly beat myself up for it. That was what I was referring to if I made it appear that I was also speaking on Jino’s behalf.

I am sorry I have been talking about him so much…it is really just all I can think about right now. Thank you, Netflix, for sort of getting my mind off of it. But I am going to talk about him a little bit more, and then I promise to try for some happier posts. I mean, it is Winter Break, and I can to reunite with Gracie and Edie in a few days. And good things have been happening to me in the boy department.

So now that you are done reading my rambles, now you can listen to them.

Disclaimer: In this video, when I say “it gets better” and things like that and pertaining to recovery, I do not mean that it happens so quickly. I feel as though I slightly brush it off as if it does, but I know very well that recovery is a process.

If y’all have any questions or comments or concerns, please talk to me! I am really not a know-it-all, and I do not want to come off that way. This is just stories and thoughts of my life and what I gather from my experiences. Obviously mine are not the same as anyone else’s.

I look forward to a day of cleaning and packing with a little Fixer Upper in the background. I get to go home tomorrow!

Love always, Ash

PS Star Wars Episode VII comes out this week!!!!!!!! And a happy birthday to Taylor Swift! So much excitement.

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Strip It Down, Part One- Video Blog

I have been having some trouble with my thoughts lately, and I thought it would be better to talk it out rather than write it out, so I made a little video–or a kind of long one. I hope to do a couple of these, as I have a lot to say, and obviously one video is not going to cover it all, regardless of how long it is. I can only upload videos that are so long.

This one is about eating disorders, and how I feel about mine and how I am struggling with it. I make some comments that could be considered offensive, and I am dearly sorry for that. I do not say this explicitly in the video but every case is different and there are many that are like mine. I am not disregarding those cases in any way, shape, or form, I promise. Every case is different and equally as important as the next.

As if you guys do not get enough of my rambles in writing, now you get to hear it, too. I would love to hear your thoughts.

-Ash

Take it Back

Hiya, people! I had a great first day of classes yesterday, and I am very happy to be back on a schedule. My mental health is doing quite well today. My body image…well, that’s still getting there. I have good days and bad and some in between. I guess you could say I am still getting used to this whole “recovery” thing. Every day takes work, but it is definitely worth it. Anyway, that can be a different post for a different day. A few days ago, I filmed a video with my friend Michael, who makes youtube videos. He does not have too many right now, but he’s starting–and doing much better than me. I am just trying to get back into the groove of school. I also only have my laptop camera to work with, so that is another reason. In this video, I sang. It was and still is very nerve-racking–and that is coming from someone who was in a nationally recognized show choir for four years. But I did this video with him, and I would like to share it with you all.

Have a wonderful day full of happiness and smiles! -A