I’ve been having a good quarter so far. I’m stressed about classes, as always, but it’s not such crippling stress. Maybe in a few weeks it will be, but right now it seems okay. After last quarter, pretty much anything seems better. But I guess that’s where this post takes a turn.
I was going through a bunch of my clothes and whatnot this past weekend, and I found one of my notebooks from last year. Tucked into the pocket was just an old piece of paper with the lyrics to my favorite song by The Maine, “Taxi.” Underneath it, I wrote a little journal entry. And it really got to me.
In the backseat of the taxi, when you told me we were only two punch-drunk souls all tangled in the wind. And in the backseat, when you asked me, “Is the sadness everlasting?” I pulled you closer, looked at you, and said, “Love, I think it is.”
Sometimes I hate myself still. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I can’t get out of bed. The weight of the world feels heavy on my chest. I wonder why, when so many good things are happening in my life, I can still feel this way. I ask myself “Is the sadness everlasting?” And considering how far I’ve come in life but still think I haven’t moved at all, I think it could very well be. It’s not constant, but it’s always [Somehow, this makes sense to me…]. I don’t know if I ever don’t feel vulnerable to Depression, to Anxiety, to Darkness.
I’m on the run. Maybe that’s why I’m always tired. This marathon is endless, like the sadness. It’s always chasing me to get me back in its grasp. Most of the time, I’m strong enough to stay ahead, but sometimes I’m tired and I need to slow down. That can be enough for it to take me–get a little hold on me. So far I’ve been able to pick up speed and get away again.
Maybe it’s not the sadness that’s everlasting, maybe it’s just the feeling, the running. The constant battle. The ups and downs. Not the sadness, but the ebbs and flows of my relationship with the sadness.
This is how the Darkness crept up on me. I don’t even remember writing this. “Taxi” has had such a huge impact on me. I could listen to it forever, and every time I hear it, I can’t help but sing it as loud as I possibly can.
That doesn’t mean it doesn’t bring out some not so great emotions in me. But it’s helped me accept that the Darkness will come up on me sometimes. I wish it didn’t, but as I learned last quarter, I can’t ignore it. Because when I ignore it, it completely ambushes me and crashes down ten times harder.
I’m only in the third week of this quarter, and so far, I’ve been doing okay. I have a big presentation on Thursday, and I’m sort of freaking out about it. Public speaking is not my best skill, by any means. And I’ve been powering through my online class work, but I’m still afraid I won’t finish on time. I’ve applied for quite a few jobs, but I haven’t heard back from any of them except one solid no. I don’t know what I’m going to do after college. While that’s no different from a lot of people right now, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t stress me out any less.
So I’m good, but I’m also freaking out on the down-low.
Finding the journal entry…it made me feel kind of weird. I didn’t realize how sad I was before last quarter’s crisis. I thought I had such a handle on Depression. It’s such a back and forth that maybe I’ll never have a solid grip on it. I only have to work with said back and forth.
Maybe that’s okay?
I don’t know. I’m not sure. I guess I just have to keep trying to figure it out. I have a good support system and a solid Netflix account, and that will have to do for now.
Because so much is going on lately that’s completely out of my control, and it’s hard not to get pissed off about it. In fact, it’s incredibly easy to be enraged. And because that’s easier than trying to find the positives of this terrible situation, I let myself get angry. I let it bubble in me and then I burst. I don’t like that about myself, but…but it’s nice to feel something that isn’t toxic sadness. With this anger, I feel like I have a purpose. I feel like maybe I can control it. I couldn’t stop what got us into this mess (which I won’t elaborate on), but I feel like I need to step up to try and get us out of it. To still make the best of the time I have left.
But big spurts of emotion exhaust me…so it’s a seemingly endless cycle of force and falter. See? So much back and forth!
There are so many thoughts running rampant in my head, and I think I just need to go to sleep to filter everything out. I’ve read that loose piece of paper quite a few times in the last couple of days, and every time…every time I just have to sit and process it. I’m having a hard time with that right now. In this moment. Probably because I’m feeling so many things, from rage to restlessness, to a sort of ease (more of a numbed anxiety, actually).
I’m not even sure I know what I’m talking about anymore.
Maybe I just need to let go of the anger tonight. I can’t do anything about it right this second. I need to collect my thoughts.
Things are okay, but as always, I see dark clouds on the horizon. Whether or not they are floating in my direction, I don’t know yet. I’ll fend them off as long as I can. I’ll be better about my anger. I’ll listen to “Taxi” about ten more times tonight.
I’ll get through this. I always do.